Short jokes

What do pretzels and a corrupt government have in common?

They are both twisted.

I joined an emo class today. The first lesson I learned was slice and dice and let it flow.

What do a fat woman and bricks have in common? They both get laid by Mexicans.

If you run next to a car, you get tired, but if you run behind it, you get exhausted.

I'll be here all week... sadly enough for you.

Got a job at the library yesterday... It lasted fifteen minutes... Turns out books about women's rights don't belong in the fiction section.

Don't do suicide, that shit kills.

Did you know that the F in orphan means family?

There's no F in orphan?

Exactly.

I’d like to take you to the movies, but unfortunately, they don’t let you bring your own snacks.

Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Seine.

I told myself I needed to stop drinking so much. But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo who talks to themself.

Why don’t some couples go to the gym?

Because some relationships don’t work out.

Stop with the 9/11 jokes.

They're not gonna fly.

Roses are red, flowers are pretty, I heard your mom has a nice pair of titties.

I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day. It was impossible to put it down.

Looking in the mirror, I don’t need a therapist, god damn, I wanna be a terrorist.

What’s another term for a lesbian?

A vagetarian.

What is the last thing you wanna see during a prostate exam?

The doctor taking off his watch.

My grandma used to beat the hell out of me for coming home late. Guess who's late now?

What did Dom Toretto say about the tree Paul Walker hit?

"Family strong, but not that strong."

If you hate pedophiles, grow up.