Short jokes
What do you call a magic owl?
HOOdini
What is it you can give at Christmas and still keep? Herpes.
Who are the fastest readers?
The pilots on 9/11. They went through six stories in 5 seconds.
Pregnant teen: I'm pregnant, my mum's gonna kill me.
Unborn baby: My mum's gonna kill me.
What was the first sport played on the moon?
Capture the flag.
I’d like to take you to the movies, but unfortunately, they don’t let you bring your own snacks.
Dad: Ok son, if you fail this test, you're no longer my child, ok?
Son: Ok dad.
AFTER TEST
Dad: Hey son, how'd the test go?
Son: Son?
Every time someone calls me fat, I get so depressed I cut myself... a piece of cake.
Did you know that the F in orphan means family?
There's no F in orphan?
Exactly.
What did the pencil say to the sharpener? Please grind me!
I joined an emo class today. The first lesson I learned was slice and dice and let it flow.
Why do we never make adult jokes in front of orphans?
Because the joke needs parental guidance.
Don't do suicide, that shit kills.
Why are obese jokes so offensive?
Because fat people have enough on their plate.
I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day. It was impossible to put it down.
Looking in the mirror, I don’t need a therapist, god damn, I wanna be a terrorist.
What do you call a tent for lesbians?
Finger Hut.
What’s a reverse exorcism?
It’s when the demon tells the priest to get out of the child.
Q. What's the difference between an assassinated Healthcare CEO and Old Yeller?
A. I cried when they shot Old Yeller.
I think one of my dads might be gay.