Short jokes
More expresso, less depresso. Jk, let's all drink bleach cuz life is a bitch.
What do gay people get for Christmas?
Discrimination.
Why does Michael Jackson do positions with kids in photos? Because they won’t do the same for him.
For all the Harry Potter fans:
A VPN is occlumency for smart devices, and our ISP is a legilimens.
Why can't people with Tourette's learn to drive?
Because they'll cause a car crash.
I like telling dad jokes.
He laughs at most of them.
My relatives always teased me during weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"
But they stopped when I did the same to them during funerals.
"You are under arrest for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia!"
"Wait! I can explain everything!"
One night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars. As I lay there, I thought to myself: WHERE'S THE ROOF?
Your kid is so annoying, he makes his Happy Meal cry.
How do you make a suicidal guy go bungee jumping?
Tie the bungee cord around his neck.
I have so many orphan jokes. I'm afraid most of them won't hit home.
How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?
A: None, it should be opened by the time she brings it.
What's a mentally retarded person's favorite color? Clear.
Why do dwarfs work at Tesco?
Because every little helps!
Good night, sleep tight, wake up bright in the morning light, to do what's right, with all your might.
Wife: (on phone) Hi. Husband: Hey, I didn’t know dishwashers talk and make me a sandwich.
What do you call an acid with a bad attitude?
A-Mean-O-Acid.
Why is April the smartest month?
It can never be fooled.
We just got a new chicken-proof lawn. It's impeccable.