Short jokes
Why do goalkeepers have so much money in the bank?
Because they are really good at saving.
Uranus, ur-anus, your anus. Anus is what's in between your two buttocks.
Why do dwarfs work at Tesco?
Because every little helps!
Wife: (on phone) Hi. Husband: Hey, I didn’t know dishwashers talk and make me a sandwich.
What's a mentally retarded person's favorite color? Clear.
Why did the pen stop writing?
'Cause the pen wasn't very dependable.
How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?
A: None, it should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why was the dog stealing shingles?
He wanted to be a woofer.
If I had a garden, I would put your tulips against my tulips... 🌷
What if soy milk is just regular milk trying to introduce itself in Spanish?
Your kid is so annoying, he makes his Happy Meal cry.
Teacher: Okay class, what's a word that begins with A?
Student: Apple!
Teacher: Good! What's a word beginning with B?
Student:....Bitch...
I have so many orphan jokes. I'm afraid most of them won't hit home.
What do you call people who jump into the Hoover Dam?
Dam fools.
How do you make a suicidal guy go bungee jumping?
Tie the bungee cord around his neck.
You want to know the bad thing? Only 5 out of 6 people like Russian roulette.
How do you make Stephen Hawking mad?
You turn off the WiFi router.
Good night, sleep tight, wake up bright in the morning light, to do what's right, with all your might.
What is Saturn's favorite movie?
Lord of the Rings.
We just got a new chicken-proof lawn. It's impeccable.