Short jokes

What's the difference between the righteous and a sinner?

You decide.

Stop hating on pedophiles. At least they're good babysitters.

I was just chilling in the World Trade Center and got airplane wifi.

I donated a computer to the orphanage...

It didn’t have a motherboard.

Me: I have depression.

Someone: You should get out more! Go outside!

Me: *goes to the beach* Now it's a tropical depression.

Why don't Chinese people believe in Santa? Cause they make the toys.

Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

When you meet your gf at the family reunion.

Why did the Titanic sink? Because your mom was on it.

What kind of birds stick together?

Vel-crows.

What do you call it when you rickroll someone in the LGBTQ?

You just got fruit-rolled.

Why do priests perform baptisms? So they can see children wet.

Pain. Gained. Anxiety. Fulfilled. Insomnia. Depression. Always with me. Happiness... The one thing I can't have.

When you're going 80 km in a school zone and one of the speed bumps screams.

What does an orphan and a banana have in common? They both get split up.

Did you know there was a record for the quickest time to finish a story? The day it was set was 9/11. 99 stories in .4 seconds.

I suffered The Great Depression.

Me: You stupid. Guy: You straight. Me: Sorry, I'm not a mirror.

"Lizzie Borden took an axe. And gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, She gave her father forty-one."

"Have a nice day" and "enjoy the next 24 hours" mean the same thing, but one sounds like a threat.