Short jokes
Some people say I like heights; others say I'm a daredevil.
In reality, I like killing myself.
My parents told me I was born on the highway.
Apparently that’s where most accidents happen.
Why doesn't Kermit the frog get married?
He doesn't like commitment.
How does a turkey drive a car? He wings it.
What do you call frozen Ibuprofen?
A chill pill.
The last joke about the dad was a joke. Don't take it seriously. Can't believe that people actually think that was true.
I was going to make a pun about math, but my answers never add up.
How do you keep your friends from boring you with pictures of their children?
Every time they show you a new one, you say, "Oh FUCK yeah!"
What's a pirate's favorite key on the keyboard?
Others: R.
Rrrr, you would think so, but it be the C.
Why couldn’t 3 ask 4 on a date?
Because he was 2 squared.
So I went to the binoculars shop the other day. Tell you what, they saw me coming.
What do you call the worst joke ever?
Well, according to my mom, I am.
What's yellow and can't swim?
A bus full of kids.
Mother Nature deserves a traffic ticket.
Summer is speeding by way too fast. 🤣🤣🤣
What do you get when I get mixed with coffee?
De-presso.
My sister gives her hamster to my brother since she thinks I'm irresponsible, so I throw it out the window.
What did the skeleton say to the other? "Wow, that song, 'Spooky Scary Skeletons,' really does send chills down my spine!"
Why did piglet go to the bathroom?
To search for Poo.
My only friend who actually cares: "Stop making suicide jokes, I’m really concerned!"
Me: Okay, I’ll cut it out.
What do you call a serial killer that only kills fat people?
A mass murderer.