Short jokes
Girls are like volcanoes.
You never know when they will erupt.
How many hookers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, cause they'll screw anything.
Seat belts are like the condom for cars.
What was Frankenstein's second job? -- He was a bodybuilder.
Someone said to stop hurting myself, but I'm still trying to cut my arms off.
When the orphan got a job as a priest, what was his name?
Father Les.
Your mum is so old that when I told her to act her age, she died.
How did the man with no arms commit suicide?
We'll never know - he didn't leave a note.
My doctor prescribed a new drug to treat my depression.
It’s called Enditol.
I used to suffer from depression but through hard work, persistence, and never giving up..\n\nI now suffer from anxiety AND depression :\
White girl: So this crystal cures my depression and helps me lose weight?
Me holding a rock of meth: YES!!!
I can explain Superman and Batman movies in one sentence.
Two orphans fighting in the rain.
Is it still stand-up comedy if the comedian doesn't have legs?
Friends: "You wanna hang with us?"
Me: "No, I wanna hang myself."
You learn from the best.
My heart says to stop because it hurts.
Bro, chill. It's really not that deep.
They made a horror movie about the Chinese president.
It's called "Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey."
Q: Do you know why transgender people are good at being carpenters?
A: Because they have more experience cutting off their wood.
Q: What is a lesbian's version of a cock block?
A: A beaver dam.
A depressed man buys a gun for suicide, but then thinks, "maybe I shouldn't be doing this," and asks a friend for help. He returns with a rope.
My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much. What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.