Short jokes
My life is like a broken pencil, it's pointless.
what's the difference between my hand and my blade? my hand isn't sharp.
You're so damn fat that the only belt that fits you is an asteroid belt.
The number 13? Not on my watch!
I thought my wife was joking when she said she was gonna leave me because I wouldn’t stop singing “I'm a believer,” but then I saw her face.
What's the difference between a Mexican and a frog?
One jumps in ponds, the other leaps over the border. :)
What are the three worst words to hear while you are having sex?
Honey, I'm home!
My girlfriend asked me if we could have anal sex, and I said, "What's that?" She said, "I fuck her ass." I said, "Oh, my uncle calls that shhhhh."
The cops are still searching for my wife's killer. Luckily, I already fled the country.
The teacher is asking you a question.
Teacher: "If your biggest dream came true, what would you be?"
Me: "Dead."
What do ambulances and gay men have in common? They both take it in the back and go whoop whoop! :D
I used to work at a calendar factory, but I got fired because I missed a few days.
Why can't humans hear a dog whistle? -- Because dogs can't whistle.
Why did Yoda go to jail for rape?
He doesn't get consent; he just uses the force.
Roses are red, Violets are red, Sunflowers are red,
HOLY SHIT, MY GARDEN'S ON FIRE!
Want to watch Titanic?
No, I'm not on board for it.
You want some dead batteries? They're free of charge.
What's the difference between dark humor and morbid humor?
Dark humor is 10 babies in a trash can. Morbid humor is 1 baby in 10 trash cans.
What is 6 inches long and makes women scream? Stillbirth...
A retard won a break-dancing competition. All he did was go to get a drink.