Short jokes
My life is like a broken pencil, it's pointless.
One time, the quiet kid hacked the speakers in a school. Next thing you know, "Pumped Up Kicks" by Foster The People starts playing.
what's the difference between my hand and my blade? my hand isn't sharp.
What's the difference between meat and fish?
If you beat your fish, it'll die.
You're so damn fat that the only belt that fits you is an asteroid belt.
The number 13? Not on my watch!
What's the difference between a Mexican and a frog?
One jumps in ponds, the other leaps over the border. :)
I thought my wife was joking when she said she was gonna leave me because I wouldn’t stop singing “I'm a believer,” but then I saw her face.
What are the three worst words to hear while you are having sex?
Honey, I'm home!
My girlfriend asked me if we could have anal sex, and I said, "What's that?" She said, "I fuck her ass." I said, "Oh, my uncle calls that shhhhh."
The cops are still searching for my wife's killer. Luckily, I already fled the country.
Unlike my syndrome, I keep my chin up. 🙌🏽😁
The teacher is asking you a question.
Teacher: "If your biggest dream came true, what would you be?"
Me: "Dead."
What do ambulances and gay men have in common? They both take it in the back and go whoop whoop! :D
I used to work at a calendar factory, but I got fired because I missed a few days.
Why can't humans hear a dog whistle? -- Because dogs can't whistle.
Roses are red, Violets are red, Sunflowers are red,
HOLY SHIT, MY GARDEN'S ON FIRE!
Want to watch Titanic?
No, I'm not on board for it.
You want some dead batteries? They're free of charge.
What's the difference between dark humor and morbid humor?
Dark humor is 10 babies in a trash can. Morbid humor is 1 baby in 10 trash cans.