Short jokes
I used to work at a calendar factory, but I got fired because I missed a few days.
Why can't humans hear a dog whistle? -- Because dogs can't whistle.
Roses are red, Violets are red, Sunflowers are red,
HOLY SHIT, MY GARDEN'S ON FIRE!
Want to watch Titanic?
No, I'm not on board for it.
You want some dead batteries? They're free of charge.
What's the difference between dark humor and morbid humor?
Dark humor is 10 babies in a trash can. Morbid humor is 1 baby in 10 trash cans.
What is 6 inches long and makes women scream? Stillbirth...
What do you call a sex offender attending church? A priest.
A retard won a break-dancing competition. All he did was go to get a drink.
Me and my friend were roasting each other. She said, "You look like a Reese's cup." I replied, "You're so old, your pubic hairs are 50 shades of gray."
Why hasn't my dad come back? No seriously, I'm not joking.
What did the kid with leukemia watch last night? Finding Chemo.
Who goes to a comedian show and gets offended?
A feminist.
Yo mama's so stupid she got locked in Mattress World and slept on the floor.
What did Freddie Mercury use to improve his hearing?
Hearing AIDS.
What has two wings and a halo?
A Chinese telephone. Wing-wing Halo?
What do you call a Communist sniper? -- A Marxman.
What do you call two transgender midgets having sex?
A microtransaction.
A girl asked me to eat her out one time... so I put her in the oven.
What's the same with a toilet and anal sex? Your ass gets numb after a while.