So I asked my mom for a bath bomb, she just gave me a toaster.
Short Jokes
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep... That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.
Why did the transgender girl want to be a boy?
Because momma never raised no pussy.
I finally stopped drinking for good.
Now I purely drink for evil.
After long consideration, I've decided to get a zebra tattoo on my wrist. Not like anyone will notice the difference.
"The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem." - Jack Sparrow
I don't think my girlfriend likes it when I take my schizophrenia meds because she always goes away when I take them.
I love you like my cuts.
Deeply.
Friends call me crack miser, whatever I snort. My brain starts to distort! I'll be in court.
My pencil sharpener when I bleed:
And I don't really care how bad it hurts. Cause you broke me first.
Imagine working at the World Trade Center, only for Osama bin Laden to call and ask if he could crash at your place.
How do women make you a millionaire?
When you're a billionaire.
I ran over an emo yesterday? I wanted to let him see pitch black.
I threw a lamp at an emo? I tried to lighten up his day.
How do you help a depressed kid face their fears... You count to 3 and say jump?
What's the difference between Madeline McCann and Batman? Batman returns.
Who says “white men can't jump?” They certainly did when the twin towers were falling.
Why can't you play Uno with Mexicans? They steal all the green cards.
Why can't dwarfs be depressed?
Because they are compressed.
Why did the Mexican get put on anxiety meds?
Because of Hispanic attacks.
Radiohead had to remake "Fake Plastic Trees" after encountering Carrie Underwood in real life for the first time.
