Short jokes

What do you call a sex offender attending church? A priest.

Yo mama's so stupid she got locked in Mattress World and slept on the floor.

Roses are red, Violets are red, Sunflowers are red,

HOLY SHIT, MY GARDEN'S ON FIRE!

Do trees shit?

Well, how else would we get #2 pencils?

Nazis have marched in Melbourne. Are you sure Eric Clapton and Carrie Underwood are not touring in Australia?

I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems... if I could just get the right people to try it.

Turn the comments into a kindergarten fight.

So I asked my mom for a bath bomb, she just gave me a toaster.

If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep... That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

I finally stopped drinking for good.

Now I purely drink for evil.

After long consideration, I've decided to get a zebra tattoo on my wrist. Not like anyone will notice the difference.

"The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem." - Jack Sparrow

I don't think my girlfriend likes it when I take my schizophrenia meds because she always goes away when I take them.

I love you like my cuts.

Deeply.

Friends call me crack miser, whatever I snort. My brain starts to distort! I'll be in court.

My pencil sharpener when I bleed:

And I don't really care how bad it hurts. Cause you broke me first.

How do women make you a millionaire?

When you're a billionaire.

I ran over an emo yesterday? I wanted to let him see pitch black.

I threw a lamp at an emo? I tried to lighten up his day.

How do you help a depressed kid face their fears... You count to 3 and say jump?

What's the difference between Madeline McCann and Batman? Batman returns.