I finally stopped drinking for good.
Now I purely drink for evil.
After long consideration, I've decided to get a zebra tattoo on my wrist. Not like anyone will notice the difference.
I don't think my girlfriend likes it when I take my schizophrenia meds because she always goes away when I take them.
Friends call me crack miser, whatever I snort. My brain starts to distort! I'll be in court.
How do women make you a millionaire?
When you're a billionaire.
How do you help a depressed kid face their fears... You count to 3 and say jump?
What's the difference between Madeline McCann and Batman? Batman returns.
Who says “white men can't jump?” They certainly did when the twin towers were falling.
Why can't you play Uno with Mexicans? They steal all the green cards.
Why can't dwarfs be depressed?
Because they are compressed.
Why did the Mexican get put on anxiety meds?
Because of Hispanic attacks.
Why are gay people so bad at math? Because they can't multiply.