Short jokes
I don't think my girlfriend likes it when I take my schizophrenia meds because she always goes away when I take them.
I love you like my cuts.
Deeply.
I was playing hangman, and I gave up on the word "LIFE".
You're so ugly, when a pig saw you, it thought that you were their family member.
Being an orphan isn't all bad. On the bright side, all your snacks are family-sized.
What do you call a fish that smokes? "A puffer."
I offered to share a meal with a homeless person once, but he said, "Piss off and buy your own!"
How do necrophiles get consent? A ouija board.
Isn't Gwen the most thoughtful person?
What's the difference between Madeline McCann and Batman? Batman returns.
A Mexican runs into a wall, what hits first?
His lawnmower.
Friend: I'm gonna go ask out my crush.
Me: *fake sneezes* Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.
A wife and husband had been on a strict diet, and the wife said, "You know, we've been good about our diet. Let's have a cheat night tonight." The wife came home with KFC and Wendy's. The husband came home with Sylvia from the office.
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on juan.
Why was Cinderella banned from playing sports? Because she always ran away from the ball.
What do you need in order to crash a train?
A bad track record.
What did one butt cheek say to the other? “Between you and me, it stinks in here!”
I got raped by my therapist... now I know where the name comes from!
What is the difference between American teenage girls and Muslim teenage girls? -- American teenage girls get stoned *before* they have sex.
The wife said, "Honey! Do you like my new teeth?"
The husband replied, "They remind me of stars, darling!"
"Yellow and far apart."