Short jokes
What do you call a fish that smokes? "A puffer."
A wife and husband had been on a strict diet, and the wife said, "You know, we've been good about our diet. Let's have a cheat night tonight." The wife came home with KFC and Wendy's. The husband came home with Sylvia from the office.
Friend: I'm gonna go ask out my crush.
Me: *fake sneezes* Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.
What do you call a kid with Down syndrome who plays basketball?
Dribble.
I offered to share a meal with a homeless person once, but he said, "Piss off and buy your own!"
Being an orphan isn't all bad. On the bright side, all your snacks are family-sized.
My pencil sharpener when I bleed:
And I don't really care how bad it hurts. Cause you broke me first.
I don't think my girlfriend likes it when I take my schizophrenia meds because she always goes away when I take them.
A Mexican runs into a wall, what hits first?
His lawnmower.
I love you like my cuts.
Deeply.
You're so ugly, when a pig saw you, it thought that you were their family member.
I was playing hangman, and I gave up on the word "LIFE".
How do necrophiles get consent? A ouija board.
Isn't Gwen the most thoughtful person?
What's the difference between Madeline McCann and Batman? Batman returns.
Why do white people get abducted by aliens?
Because they're easier to see in the dark.
Why was Cinderella banned from playing sports? Because she always ran away from the ball.
What do you need in order to crash a train?
A bad track record.
What did one butt cheek say to the other? “Between you and me, it stinks in here!”
What is the difference between American teenage girls and Muslim teenage girls? -- American teenage girls get stoned *before* they have sex.