Short jokes

Amber Heard's Morning Routine

Wake Up. Eat Breakfast. Take a Shit. Get Out of Bed.

Why don't witches wear underwear?

So they can get a better grip on their broom.

Tits are like Lego bricks. They're there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.

I would tell you a construction pun, but I'm still working on it.

Why did the chicken go to KFC? ... To visit his family.

If you get pinched by a man in a wheelchair, can you call it a "hit and can't run?"

When you suffer from depression and somebody tells you to just cheer up-- Me: My goodness, what an idea! Why didn't I think of this before?

Q: What's the best part about gardening?

A: Getting down and dirty with your hoes.

I just found out my ex got stabbed today... let's just say I lost my job as a butcher.

What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?

A pair of gloves!

Nah, I’m not that mean, he’s still trying to open his presents.

I'm a Model. My doctor asked me to make an acronym for POST because I post pictures on Instagram.

(Trying to) P-ut O-ff Suicidal T-houghts

Wanna hear a terrible joke?

Paper

Pretty tear-able, huh?

What is black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

Your hairline goes back to when Adam and Eve were born.

Looks like the gene pool in your family is about three inches deep.

So, I hooked up with a girl at a party, but I forgot that it was a family reunion.

(SWEET HOME ALABAMA STARTS PLAYING)

Why is Santa's sack so big?

He only comes once a year.

Helen Keller picked up a cheese grater, it was the most violent story she'd ever read.

Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my husband has been so rude. He’s been pushing me around and talking behind my back.

What did the beach say as the tide came in?

Long time, no sea.