Short jokes
Yo, I feel like shit when you're around.
Life's a bitch, and then you die. I now see what they mean.
Next time at Walmart, I'm going to scan my wrist. They are basically barcodes.
What type of fish goes best with peanut butter?
Jellyfish!
Your mama is so fat, she sunk Atlantis even though it's in the ocean!
Tired kid with asthma: "It's hard to breathe."
Gym Teacher: "That's alright."
Other Kid: "Hush!"
What's the difference between a bus full of children and a fish?
The fish can swim.
Why did they invent glow-in-the-dark condoms? So gay guys can play Star Wars.
Roses are red, violets are blue, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel had wine and cheese while your loved ones died in the ICU.
Your mama so fat that when she sits around the house, she literally sits around the house.
When was the last time you could see your whole body in the mirror?
#GOODBYEGWEN
You are like a thunderstorm; when you go away, like your dad, everyone is happy.
Did you hear about the new drink commemorating Princess Diana?
It had nine shots and seven chasers!
Shower thought: If everyone had schizophrenia, no one would know we had schizophrenia or know what it is!
What's black and grey and red all over?
A dead r******.
Hi, how are you? Busy doing right? I just texted me and my dad and walk home from home and walk home and walk walk home.
Why are vampires always sick?
Because they are coffin.
Susie: Ling Ling, truth or dare?
Ling Ling: Truth.
Susie: What happened to Stacie's dog?
Ling Ling: Dare.
Blueface baby!