Short jokes
What are the big mouths of feminists good for? Portable urinal for men.
Hate when my phone dies instead of me :))
Your hairline is so bad, the cops had to do a breathalyzer test on your barber.
In a cruel twist of irony, Stephen Hawking's favorite song was "I've Got the Power."
Up into the sky so very far, here comes Dr. Seuss! "ALLAHU AKBAR", at the ripe old age of 97, he committed 9/11.
How does Jesus make tea?
Hebrews it.
Q. What is the difference between a normal kid and an emo kid? A. The phrase "jump rope" means different things.
I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.
Why did the depressed person rob a bank? Because you're not killing yourself if a cop does it for you!
What do you call a Chinese man with a camera?
Phill Ming.
I saw a fat girl with a 'Guess' t-shirt, so I said, "286lb."
How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast? They marched in backwards and the Polish people thought they were leaving.
What does a cannibal and a spider have in common?
Both have eight legs.
What do you call a single bisexual?
All bi myself.
Life is like a penis: women make it hard for no reason.
Roses are red, life has no meaning, voices in my head, are constantly screaming.
Why don't witches wear underwear?
So they can get a better grip on their broom.
Tits are like Lego bricks. They're there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.
I would tell you a construction pun, but I'm still working on it.
Nobody
Literally nobody
Gordan Ramsey: do you need me to bring Hitler back to life so he can show you how to use a fucking oven?