Short jokes
My Xbox has been acting up lately... So I painted it black to make it run faster.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
What did the beach say as the tide came in?
Long time, no sea.
What do turtles and lesbians have in common? They both choke on plastic.
You call it a tragedy. I call it a 25 killstreak.
Instead of Edward Scissorhands, I’m Edwardscissor wrists.
So, some thieves robbed me the other day. They took everything I owned, except for the soap, towels, and deodorant.
Dirty bastards.
A feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.
Apparently, "in HD" wasn't a good answer.
Me: spreading positivity.
Everyone else at the HIV testing center.
People keep telling me that I should stop making sh jokes... bro it's not that deep.
What's the laziest mountain?
Mount Ever-rest.
What's both red, white and sometimes purple?
My arms...
(This is a fucked up pick up line). Are you a building? Because I rate you 9/11.
Bully: "Nobody loves you."
Me: "Aww, it must have hurt when your mom told you that."
What does a glory hole and a confessional booth have in common?
A blowjob is anonymous.
Up into the sky so very far, here comes Dr. Seuss! "ALLAHU AKBAR", at the ripe old age of 97, he committed 9/11.
Why do emo people want to be called scene now? The only thing I've seen from them is their suicide rate climbing.
Once you go Asian, you can solve the equation.
What does Stephen Hawking have in common with a bull? They both charge.
If I were a party, then anxiety must be the cousin depression felt obligated to bring to the party, and insomnia the little annoying sibling.