Short jokes
Your hairline goes back to when Adam and Eve were born.
Why is Santa's sack so big?
He only comes once a year.
Me: spreading positivity.
Everyone else at the HIV testing center.
What do you get when you cross a vacuum and a rooster?
A cock sucker.
You wanna know what I want for Christmas? My dad to come back with the milk he said he was gonna get.
What's the laziest mountain?
Mount Ever-rest.
Teenager: "OMG, I’m prego, my mom's gonna kill me."
Baby: "Lmao, same"
What's both red, white and sometimes purple?
My arms...
Helen Keller picked up a cheese grater, it was the most violent story she'd ever read.
Bully: "Nobody loves you."
Me: "Aww, it must have hurt when your mom told you that."
Once you go Asian, you can solve the equation.
Why do emo people want to be called scene now? The only thing I've seen from them is their suicide rate climbing.
What did the kid with no arms get for Christmas?
A pair of gloves!
Nah, I’m not that mean, he’s still trying to open his presents.
A feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.
Apparently, "in HD" wasn't a good answer.
So, some thieves robbed me the other day. They took everything I owned, except for the soap, towels, and deodorant.
Dirty bastards.
If I were a party, then anxiety must be the cousin depression felt obligated to bring to the party, and insomnia the little annoying sibling.
What does Stephen Hawking have in common with a bull? They both charge.
How do you help a suicidal person cheer up?
You tell them it's a leap of faith.
After an explosion at a French cheese factory... all that was left was De Brie.
You shouldn’t bully fat people.
They already have enough on their plate.