Short jokes

What's both red, white and sometimes purple?

My arms...

Helen Keller picked up a cheese grater, it was the most violent story she'd ever read.

Bully: "Nobody loves you."

Me: "Aww, it must have hurt when your mom told you that."

Why do emo people want to be called scene now? The only thing I've seen from them is their suicide rate climbing.

Once you go Asian, you can solve the equation.

So, some thieves robbed me the other day. They took everything I owned, except for the soap, towels, and deodorant.

Dirty bastards.

A feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.

Apparently, "in HD" wasn't a good answer.

If I were a party, then anxiety must be the cousin depression felt obligated to bring to the party, and insomnia the little annoying sibling.

What does Stephen Hawking have in common with a bull? They both charge.

Rape jokes are like your dad's dick. You don't want it but you still get it anyway.

What do Catholic priests and school shooters have in common?

They both like to dump their loads into little kids.

My wrists have a different texture pack than the rest of me.

A lot of things have changed since I got my girlfriend pregnant.

My name, my address, and my phone number.

How do you help a suicidal person cheer up?

You tell them it's a leap of faith.

After an explosion at a French cheese factory... all that was left was De Brie.

You call it a tragedy. I call it a 25 killstreak.

I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad.

He didn't show up for the rest of the year.

Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my husband has been so rude. He’s been pushing me around and talking behind my back.

Yo, forehead is so big...the photo on yo driver's license says "to be continued on the back."

My Xbox has been acting up lately... So I painted it black to make it run faster.