Short jokes
Q. What is the biggest lie in the entire universe?
A. “I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions.”
How do you punish Helen Keller? Just move the couch.
What does an eighty-year-old woman have in between her boobs that a twenty-year-old woman doesn't?
A belly button.
Why are eggs bad at puns?
They always mix up their yolks!
How do you drown a Blonde? You put a scratch and sniff sticker in a pool.
I was gonna clean my room
before I got high.
You know how we all have different sides? Well, I have a suicidal side. (Here a bang in the next room.) Oh well, not anymore :)
I play Fortnite, but also I play Minecraft for 14 nights.
Why was the baby ant confused?
Because its uncles were all aunts!
I saw a kid crying yesterday, and I asked him, "Where are your parents?" Then he started crying harder.
You know why pedophiles get away with molesting children?
Because who are they gonna tell? Not their parents.
Normally I would tell a 9/11 joke, but it’s two plane.
My uncle died on 9/11. At least he died doing what he loved, flying planes.
Kobe: Stop doing dark humor!
Me: Why? They don't land well together?
I told a blonde she needed gas for her car, and she farted into the gas tank.
A kid goes to bed with his dad because he’s scared of the dark. Turns out he just wanted to have sex.
Why do people eat cereal for breakfast?
Because why not.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Lick-alot-a-puss.
How come lepers don't play cards?
Well, if they lose a couple of hands...
What do a bungee jump and a hooker have in common?
They’re both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you’re pretty much screwed.