Short jokes

Math riddle: If I have 12 bottles of wine in one hand, and 9 in the other, what do I have?

What can you catch, but not throw?

How do you call a very long terrorist?

9/11.

What do people use more than you that is yours?

If you’ve got me, you want to share me; if you share me, you haven’t kept me. What am I?

What does a pumpkin need when it's hurt? A pumpkin patch.

I’m light as a feather, yet the strongest person can’t hold me for five minutes. What am I?

I was at the bank yesterday.

A lady asked to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

What do you call angry midgets?

Short-tempered.

Oh, Lois, that was more scary than Michael Jackson without pants in front of a kid!

Why is it best to date suicidal women? Because if there's no pulse, there's no need for consent.

What's the difference between sex and rape? Some effective drugs.

I love eating pussy. That’s why the animal shelter is always my go-to for a good meal.

I got fired from the bowling ball factory for throwing out the ones that had holes in them.

Me and my wife decided we would only smoke after sex.

I'm still on the first pack. She's up to 2 packs a week.

Did I tell you I finally got my wife to scream during sex? Yeah, you should have heard her the other day when I walked in on her.

My wife is so fat. She buys her clothes at Tent & Awning!

My wife is so fat. I finally got up the energy to walk around to the other side. I found someone else!

My wife is the only person that has "missing" posters attached to her ass.

My wife is so fat, I took her to the Macy's Day parade. They attached ropes to her.