Short jokes
Did you walk up Stephen Hawking's drive?
Don’t worry, he didn’t either.
When I die, can someone play "Best Day Ever" during my funeral?
Walking's a chore, let alone crawling.
What was the epileptic chef’s house special?
Seizure salad.
Sans
Why are most firefighters men? Because they like to find hot places and leave them wet.
Tuxedos suit you.
I wanna go to Antarctica, but then I got cold feet.
What's the difference between an Al Qaeda Base and a Pakistani School?
"I don't know man, I just fly the drones."
Why did Snow White get kicked out of Disneyland?
She sat on Pinocchio's face and said: "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
What does Helen Keller say when she touches a basketball?
Duhhuuughhhr.
Why couldn’t Billy go to school today?
The bus driver hit Sally.
If you turn the word "racecar" backwards, it says "racecar".
But if you turn the racecar sideways, you have Paul Walker's blood on your hands.
Pickup line; Hey mama, you school? Cuz I'd like to shoot some kids up in you.
Solicitors are more likely to harass someone with a “no soliciting” sign on their front porch.
What do suicidal people do in their spare time?
Hang out.
Gaston gets the no-Belle prize! :D
I was eating my cereal while watching the news, then I saw my cereal on the news, saying he was a "serial" killer.
I left my dog at home once, and when I came home it was a mess. Let's just say I was in a RUFF situation.
I once was sitting outside and watched the birds go by. I checked my watch and said, "My, how time is FLYING by!"