Short jokes
Joke time!
Now, Heaven or Hell?
Heaven: we got clouds.
Hell: we got a frickin' private yacht!
What do hockey players and Surrey girls have in common?
They both only change their pads after every third period!
A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis. Her mom said, "You should have asked me last night. It was at the tip of my tongue."
How do you kill a retard?
Give them a knife and say, "Who's special?"
What does an autistic kid and a loaf of bread have in common?
They both have special needs.
Me: September is here!
[Labor Day comes]
Also me (ft. Green Day): “Wake me up when September ends!”
My friend: How are you running so fast? You just had 10 hamburgers!
Me: It’s the 10 hamburgers that are making me run fast!
Imagine a dragon 🤔.
Imagine me dragging these nuts across your face.
What do you get when you cross A-Rod with Chris Brown?
Cheater, cheater, woman beater!
How do you know if a chick is too fat?
If you pull her pants down, her ass is still in them.
What do you call a 96-year-old who can still masturbate?
Miracle Whip.
What’s strong enough for a man, but made for a woman?
The back of my hand.
A girl walks into an Adult Store. "Hi, I want to buy that red dildo right there."
Cashier: "That's a fire extinguisher, you whore."
I got kicked out of the hospital.
Apparently, the sign "Stroke patients here" meant something totally different.
What's 2ft long, blue, and stiff and keeps a woman up all night?
Cot death.
I asked the homeless woman if I could take her home. She said yes, so I took it.
My wife asked me to please quit singing "Wonderwall" in the shower.
I said, "Maybe."
What is worse than seeing your sibling drown?
Getting the water bill.
How do you ground a Gen Z?
Make them go outside and socialize.
My grandfather lost his tongue during WW2.
He never talks about it.