Short jokes
Why didn't Michael Jackson have a girlfriend? He's afraid of women.
What's the difference between a sheet and a baby?
One of them is really loud when you iron it.
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?
A can't opener.
What has 2 or 3 hands and is always right twice a day when it is broken?
A clock.
My first time sex was like buying my first used, crappy car.
I didn't want it, but Dad gave it to me anyway.
I’ve just discovered that cock fighting is done with chickens.
12 months of training completely wasted.
Q. What's the difference between an abortion clinic and a nursery? A. The abortion clinic won't let you take the baby home.
I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.
It was a Risk I was willing to take.
What does every pirate hate?
A small chest with no booty.
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple 'thank you' is all I need.
Not all this 'How did you get in my house?' business.
My wife treats me like God!
She takes no notice of my existence until she wants something.
If a stork brings white babies, and a blackbird black babies, what bird brings no babies?
A swallow.
A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.
He yells, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
Why do teenage girls hang out in odd-numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
Job interview: "What's your greatest weakness?"
"Honesty."
"I don't think honesty is a weakness."
"I don't give a fuck what you think."
You know how 6 was afraid of 7 because 7 8 9?
Well, how do you think 10 feels being in the middle of 9 11?
What did a man say to his boy?
You are my son.
What show would have made Michael Jackson a superstar for television? To Catch a Predator, for obvious reasons.
What pronouns does Michael Jackson use? Hee/hee.
What disease do you get from shoving a dirty, rusty piece of metal up your ass? Tetanus.