Sex jokes
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Fuck 'em.
An ugly, poor teenage girl found a genie lamp in her backyard. The genie said, "I will grant you 3 wishes, but under 1 condition."
"What is it?" she asked.
"After I grant your final wish, you have to have sex with me," the genie replied.
"Okay, for my 1st wish, I wish to be the prettiest girl at my school," the genie snapped his fingers and made her pretty.
"For my 2nd wish, I wish for my family to be rich," the genie snapped his fingers and told her her family is now the richest in town.
"And your final wish?" the genie asked.
"I wish I had a sabertoothed vagina."
What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
By the time you're done with the breasts and the thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in.
Boy: Wanna hear about my dick? Never mind, it's too short.
Girl: Wanna hear about my pussy? Fuck no, you won't get it.
I'll give you 20 dollars if you let me cum in you.
Woman: Doctor, doctor, I've been raped.
Doctor: Sex is good for you!
A man and a woman get married. The woman was a retired hooker. The man was a poet.
The man said as they did 69, "You taste better than my most delicious gourmet meal." The woman said, "Well, you aren’t too bad either, but the best 69 I’ve gotten and given was Harry. He did it for 24 hours nonstop." They got divorced that night.
I had sex with twins. Well, I think it was twins. All my rage victims look alike.
How does the earth rate its sex?
Earthquake, Cataclysm, Volcano explosion, Earth's core explodes.
If the earth's core explodes, then he got tore up!
You should always wash your sex toys. That's why priests baptize babies.
How fast is the speed of sex?
68 because at 69 you've got to turn around.
That autistic kid having sex for the first time:
"U The Hips, U The Hips!"
Things you say before sex, Disney addition:
"Have you seen my Mouseketool? Oh, Toodles!"
Saying balls go into pussy.
A little boy and a little girl were taking a bath.
The little girl looked down and said, "What's that?"
"That's my little red sports car," said the little boy.
The little boy looked down and said, "What's that?"
"That's my little red sports car garage," said the little girl.
A few seconds later, the little girl said, "How about you put your little red sports car in my little red sports car garage?"
"Sure," said the little boy.
The little boy's mother was downstairs and heard this blood curdling scream. She ran upstairs. Once she got there, she saw blood all over the bathtub. "What happened?!" she said.
"Well, Johnny tried to put his little red sports car in my little red sports car garage...but it didn't fit...so I cut the back wheels off..."
When they say beat that pussy, I don’t play so punch it.
What’s the most annoying thing about licking bald pussy?
Putting the damn nappy back on afterwards...
What can a dwarf do standing up that a tall person can't do standing up?
Give a blowjob.
POV them: What's one move to get a man motivated in bed?
Her: All you gotta give is that hawk tuah and spit on that thang, you get me?
The very young and pretty nun was walking home from the soup kitchen when a homeless man dragged her into the woods and had his way with her.
When he was done, he asked her what she would tell the Mother Superior when she got back to the convent. She calmly said that she would tell her the truth.
She said: "I will tell her that I was on my way home when the most disgusting, repulsive, and abhorrent man dragged me into the woods and had his way with me... twice; that is if you are not too tired."