Sex jokes

A guy on a bus saw a beautiful girl. He asked for her number, and of course, she said no. He asked the bus driver for advice, and he said, "That girl goes to the cemetery to pray every day at 10 p.m. and look for a statue of an angel." So he dresses up as God, goes to the grave, and she sees him. She says, "Oh, Lord, end my misery! Kill me now!" And he said, "Only if you do something for me first." She replied, "What is it, oh mighty Lord?" He said, "Have sex with me." She agreed. They had sex, and when she was done sucking his dick, he said, "I have something to tell you." He took off his costume and said, "I'm the guy from the bus." And she took off her costume: "I'm the bus driver."

(Does anyone remember this? It's an old joke someone made, or does no one remember this? I didn't make this, but it went smth like this)

A black dude shows up to a job interview for a watermelon farmhand gig, resume full of fried chicken joint experience. The boss asks, "Why should I hire you?" He stutters, "Uh, I got skills in... uh..." Before he can finish, a hulk-like, veiny, muscular, giant transgender man storms in, straps him to the interview desk with velvet cuffs, drips hot wax on his back from a candle shaped like a massive dick, and rams his ass relentlessly while whispering, "Welcome to the team, bitch. Your probation starts now."

So, little Johnny is walking down the street and asks a stranger, "Sir, what are hormones?"

Then the man replies, "The moans of a fucking whore!"

2 weeks here.

What do dicks and popsicles have in common?

They both like to be sucked on, and they sometimes choke you.

When your girl is sucking your dick and chokes on it, not because it’s big but because you haven’t washed it in weeks.

Why do pedos like to lose races? Because they like to cum on a little behind.

Just cum.

Consent before sex is a joke. It's just politically correct feminazi propaganda.

Life is a lot like a penis. It's relaxed, and just hanging there.

It's women that make it hard.

Why did people invent glow in the dark condoms?

So gay people can have lightsaber duels.

What do you call the woman that fucked sooooooo many hunks to have the condom break and a failure to be born? Ur Mum.

What does a woman’s pussy and a chainsaw have in common?

Miss by a few inches and you’re in deep shit.

I’ve been told I’ve got a perfect cock. She sure was hard on me when I cut it off, though.

What did the man's dick say to the man?

I just can't "hand"le it!

Why is the penis so light?

Because even thots can lift them.

My wife is an optimist. Our first night together, she handed me a Magnum XL condom. I didn’t know what to do, so I made her a balloon animal 🎈🦒.

A young couple gets banned from church.

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.

After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.

Then he asks the middle-aged couple the same question, "Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.

Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.

"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me! I took her right there."

"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

"We understand," says the husband, "We were banned from the grocery store, too."

Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke weed.

Jack and Jill got high, and Jack ripped Jill's clothes right off her. Then Jill ripped Jack's clothes off. Jack, when they were fully naked, they started to kiss, but Jack stopped. Jill said, "I know you wanna." Jack said, "No," but Jill jumped on that candy stick anyway. Jack gave in to Jill.

Jill got off, then let Jack suck her candy stick. Jill sucked on Jack's candy stick.

Q: What’s the hardest thing about fucking a dude with a dildo?

A: Making sure he doesn’t wake up.

What do priests give children?

Syphilis.