Sex jokes

When your girl is sucking your dick and chokes on it, not because it’s big but because you haven’t washed it in weeks.

Why do pedos like to lose races? Because they like to cum on a little behind.

Just cum.

Life is a lot like a penis. It's relaxed, and just hanging there.

It's women that make it hard.

Why did people invent glow in the dark condoms?

So gay people can have lightsaber duels.

What do you call the woman that fucked sooooooo many hunks to have the condom break and a failure to be born? Ur Mum.

What does a woman’s pussy and a chainsaw have in common?

Miss by a few inches and you’re in deep shit.

I’ve been told I’ve got a perfect cock. She sure was hard on me when I cut it off, though.

Why is the penis so light?

Because even thots can lift them.

What did the man's dick say to the man?

I just can't "hand"le it!

Consent before sex is a joke. It's just politically correct feminazi propaganda.

Woman: Doctor, doctor, I've been raped.

Doctor: Sex is good for you!

A young couple gets banned from church.

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks.

After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained. "Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.

Then he asks the middle-aged couple the same question, "Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church.

Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.

"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me! I took her right there."

"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

"We understand," says the husband, "We were banned from the grocery store, too."

Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke weed.

Jack and Jill got high, and Jack ripped Jill's clothes right off her. Then Jill ripped Jack's clothes off. Jack, when they were fully naked, they started to kiss, but Jack stopped. Jill said, "I know you wanna." Jack said, "No," but Jill jumped on that candy stick anyway. Jack gave in to Jill.

Jill got off, then let Jack suck her candy stick. Jill sucked on Jack's candy stick.

Q: What’s the hardest thing about fucking a dude with a dildo?

A: Making sure he doesn’t wake up.

Q. How does an ISIS terrorist practice safe sex?

A. He marks the camels that kick.

How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call and tell her about it.

What's the similarity between Christmas stuffing and my penis?

I like them both inside dead animals, because alive animals feel too much like men, and then I'd cum too quick.

Q: What's another name for cumming inside a woman?

A: Loading up the dishwasher.

I tried having a three-way with two physicists, but they couldn't solve the three-body problem.