Bastard Jokes

Person

Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident. When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they're all priests and immediately says "If any of you are pedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well eff off straight to hell right now!” Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!”

6
Phil Swift

My dad and I went to the hospital once, and he said he'd be fine and it'd only take a few minutes.

Lying bastard never came out.

2
Sans

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints. The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

3
Anonymous
in Puns

So, some thieves robbed me the other day. They took everything I owned, except for the soap, towels, and deodorant. Dirty bastards.

0

Little Johnny was watching TV when he heard the TV say bitch and bastard. He went over to his dad and said, "What is a bitch and bastard?" His dad looked at him suprised and said, "a bitch is a female, a bastard is a mailman." Johnny went back to the TV and heard them say ass and shit, so he goes back to his dad and asks, "What shit and ass mean" His dad says "A shit is shaving creme like what i'm putting on my face and ass is a coat, why don't you bug your mom." Johnny goes back to the TV and hears them say fuck, so johnny goes over to his mom and says to her, "What does fuck mean mom?" She looks over at him and says "Fuck means carving, like what i'm doing to this turkey!" A few minutes later Johnny hears a knock on the door. He walks over and answers it. He then says "Welcome bitch and bastard may I take your ass?" The people, looking horrified, then ask were his parents are. Johnny responds with "My dad is putting shit on his face and my mom is fucking the turkey!"

panda devil
in Kid

johnny was watching TV when you hear them say bitch and bastards so he ask hes dad "what is a bitch and bastard." dad say "a bitch is a female and a bastard is a mail." then johnny goes back to the TV and hears them say ass and shit so he ask hes dad what shit and ass means dad says "a shit is shaving creme like what i'm putting on my face and ass is a coat why don't you bug your mom." so johnny goes back to the TV and then they say fuck so johnny ask his mom what fuck means mom says "fuck means carving like doing to the turkey then a few minutes later Johnny hears a knock on the door so he answers it he then says "welcome bitch and bastard may i tack your ass" the people then ask wear hes parents are johnny says "my dad is putting shit on hes face and my mom i fucking the turkey.

Kis myass

My grandfather said we rely on technology too much so I unplugged his life support. Luckily I remember his last words . "You little bastard!"

Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor bastard.

Anonymous

A hot girls wants to do suicide and jump from a bridge when an ugly smelly homeless weirdo walks up to her. And he says "hey you hot babe, let's fuck. She just answers "get the fuck away you ugly bastard". The guy just laughs and says "alright i wait down there".

《 rmk 》

If you were driving when all the sudden a young kid and an old man run right in front of you, what do you hit?

The brakes you sick bastard.

cumlord69

i nailed my sister's............ picture on the wall

you dirty minded bastard.

Anonymous

What do you call a African American pilot?

A pilot you racist bastard.

2

a teacher in Scunthorpe asks a class what their favourite football team is saying "raise you hand if it is Scunthorpe" every student but one raised their hand. the teacher asks "why don't you support Scunthorpe?" the child answers "my parents support Grimsby and so do I". the teacher comes back with "why are you copying your parents? what if your mum was a prostitute and your dad a druggie?" the child answers then i'd support Scunthorpe like you dirty bastards"

Anonymous

How to treat someone who’s lesbian, gay, queer, transgender or bisexual

The same way that you would treat anybody else you homophobic bastard

Anonymous

What's black and never works?

Decaffeinated coffee, you racist bastard.

3
Sabers the fox

I helped my son (who is missing his arms) unwrap his christmas present ungrateful bastard just sits there and cries, and it's a pair of mittens. the ungrateful bastard is just sitting there, crying.

Little Girl Lover

'...This morning, I came out my front door to see my neighbor frantically trying to scrub off the word "PEDO" that had been spray-painted on his front window.

"What's been going on John?"' I asked.

"Fucking kids," came his mumbled reply.

The dirty bastard!'

Lynn🤍💖
in Woman

During this covid shit, if a guy starts following you with the masks on. Should you be scared or dumb bastard is that just your boyfriend..

Me

Studies have shown that in London, a person is stabbed 24 times a second. Poor bastard...

I asked to borrow a book from the library, it was titled 'suicide in ten easy steps' the cunt just stood and said "cheeky bastard, you won't bring it back!"