A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis. Her mom said, "You should have asked me last night. It was at the tip of my tongue."
A girl walks into an Adult Store. "Hi, I want to buy that red dildo right there."
Cashier: "That's a fire extinguisher, you whore."
A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?"
The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."
An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room."
"You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."
A penguin takes his car to the shop, and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the cleanest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal."
"No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."
If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off?
A family's driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windshield. Embarrassed, and trying to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect."
"Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"
A couple is on their first date.
Man: How do you feel about sex?
Woman: I like it infrequently.
Man: I see. Is that one word or two?
If having sex for money makes you a wh*re, then what does having sex for free make you?
Non-profit wh*reganisation.
What does a Chinese man say to his partner when having sex?
"Ching Chong Soc Mai Ding Dong"
What do you call getting gonorrhea from a disabled person?
A slow clap.
After death, what is the only organ in the female body which remains warm?
My penis.
Are you Hiroshima? Because I want to drop my bomb inside you.
Let's play twin towers, your thighs are the towers and my penis is the plane, coming in between.
What's the similarity between Christmas stuffing and my penis?
I like them both inside dead animals, because alive animals feel too much like men, and then I'd cum too quick.
Why is Santa's sack so big?
Because he only cums once a year.
I charge 50 bucks a suck.
Why don’t old people have sex?
When was the last time you tried pulling apart a grilled cheese that old?
I was at a bar. The girl said, "Sex, sex, free sex tonight," when she really said, "663629."
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change the bulb and one to suck my dick.
How is sex like air? It’s not a big deal unless you aren’t getting any.
Why do women always have sex with the lights off?
Because they never like to see a man having a good time.
I asked my Dad the other day, "At what age is it okay to have sex with girls?"
He replied, "When they leave school, son, they are legal."
Apparently, 3:15 p.m. is not what he meant.
Q. How does an ISIS terrorist practice safe sex?
A. He marks the camels that kick.
