Security Guard jokes

How did the security guard at the orchid get better at his job? He got an Apple Watch.

An orphan walked up to a baseball field, but a security guard said he couldn't come in because it was a home game.

If cops are called pigs, then security guards are piglets.

Q: What do you call a security guard at Samsung?

A: Guardians of the Galaxy.

If I'm the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a guardian of the galaxy?

Suicide is illegal because it's a crime to destroy government property.

Rape can happen to anybody, so I think I will continue taking the short cut home through the dark alleyways, wearing barely anything and walk really close to bushes.

Whenever I have a one night stand, I always use protection.

A fake name and a fake phone number.

Santa and Bill Cosby's favorite quote: "Don't be dumb, make sure they're numb, and always use a condom!"