Security Guard jokes

How did the security guard at the orchid get better at his job? He got an Apple Watch.

An orphan walked up to a baseball field, but a security guard said he couldn't come in because it was a home game.

If cops are called pigs, then security guards are piglets.

Q: What do you call a security guard at Samsung?

A: Guardians of the Galaxy.

If I'm the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a guardian of the galaxy?

So I didn't want my mom going through my laptop, so I put a touch screen on it where you just have to tap the screen to unlock it. Jokes on her, she doesn't have any fingers.

Remember, kids: the school shooter can't get you if YOU are the shooter.

Rape can happen to anybody, so I think I will continue taking the short cut home through the dark alleyways, wearing barely anything and walk really close to bushes.

Whenever I have a one night stand, I always use protection.

A fake name and a fake phone number.