Say jokes
A bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here!”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
My friend got a sorry excuse for a new hair style, she says "How do you like my new hair style?"
Me: I think it's a great idea, when are you getting one?
Jeffery Dahmer has two things: an RV and a pit.
What is different about the two is that one can't move and one has gas.
But what is similar is tha-
Wait, what is Jeffery doing? He has a knife, he is pulling men's pants down, he is...OH SHIT WHAT THE F-!
Sorry 'bout that......
Now, as I was saying,
What is similar about the two is that one has and is a cockpit.
Wait, a cockpit- JEFFERY WHAT THE F-!
What happened to the chicken after he died? He did not say anything, so I don't know.
You work at Papa's Pizzeria, ok?
Boss: You're fired!
Me: Ok?
Worker: Why are you fired?
Me: Oh, you wanna know...
*shows him the oven with my pizza*
Me: I left my pizza in the oven, that bitch burnt as fuck!!
Worker: OH SHIT!!
Boss: Did you say pizza?
Me: I sure did!
*shows boss pizza in oven*
Me: This hoe black as fuck!
Boss: I fired you because I can't stop looking at your ass, not this why?
I was walking down the streets of Manchester when suddenly I saw Penaldo getting arrested! I heard the officer say, “This time I give you warning, there will be no penalty.”
That’s when Penaldo asked, “No penalty?!” and punched the police officer.
Shame on you Penaldo!
What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?
Nothing, because fish can't talk.
I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before kicking the bucket: "Hey, wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"
Say "ocean" 5 times and you say "oh shit!"
Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says, “911, what's your emergency?” The hunter replies, “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies, “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent, and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says, “Ok, now what?”
Mom: They say our kid neighbor has blue blood.
Son: Really?
Also 2 hours later:
Son: Mom, the kid doesn't have blue blood.
Mom: Son, I-
Your mom is so old that her birth certificate says "expired."
What did one cheek say to the other cheek?
"It is a squash in here!"
You know what they say about dark humor: it hits harder than a drunk parent.
I think the local nudist campground just went out of business.
The sign on their gate says:
"Clothed Until Further Notice."
Something you can say about a restaurant, but not your partner:
"So you’re open 24 hours a day?"
The boyfriend says to the explosive dude: "You're the bomb!" The explosive dude says: "Wow, that was Whitty."
What is a fish’s 🐟 favorite game?
Salmon Says!
What did the tree say to the wind?
Leaf me alone.
Three friends go to a water park and meet a genie. "You each get one wish." "When you get to the top of the slide, you shall scream your wish as you go down." The first man went down the slide and screamed "Coca Cola," and the pool was filled with Coca-Cola.
The next ugly-ass looking mf goes down the slide and screams "C-M&Ms" as if he wasn’t just about to say cum—then the pool was full of cu—I mean M&Ms. The last horny-ass bitch is so excited he says "Weee!" Then the pool is full of piss. He was upset the pool wasn’t full of dildos./j