Say jokes

USS Liberty. Never forget.

It was bombed and destroyed by the Israeli airforce. Thirty-four dead, 171 wounded. The official story says “accident,” yet an American flag was clearly visible on the ship.

Motive: An attempt to cut off our foreign intelligence on Israel? Blame the bombing on an Arab country?

Just imagine if any other nation bombed an American ship...

What's a saying you shouldn't tell an epileptic?

Seize your moment.

I'd say you were the spawn of Satan, but that would be an insult to Satan.

I'm not saying you're annoying. But if rectal herpes were a person, it would be you.

Two nuns are riding their bikes down a cobblestone path.

One nun turns to the other one and says, "I’ve never come this way."

The other one says, "Neither have I. It must be the cobblestones."

Alabama's saying: It's not cheating if we’re all siblings.

I learned how to say "virgin" in German: "Good and tight."

A team of cops and a news reporter are at a home where a violent crime has been committed. The head news reporter, in front of the camera, says, "A woman in this house has killed her husband because he stepped on the floor while she was mopping." He then turns around and asks a cop, "Has the woman been arrested yet?" The cop replies, "Not yet, we're waiting for the floor to dry."

What's the best response to a girl saying, 'What's up?'

'If I tell you, will you sit on it?'

Jesus walks into a motel, puts three nails on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"

What did Kobe say to the helicopter?

"Don't crash!"

Something you can say about a restaurant, but not your partner:

"So you’re open 24 hours a day?"

What’s something you can say to a waiter, but not your wife?

"Does this come with anything?"

An old woman walks into an outdoor supplies store.

"I'd like an infrared gorilla," she says.

The clerk proceeds to give her an infrared gorilla from the back room.

"We've had hundreds of these things in the back for ages," exclaims the clerk. "You're the first person who's actually wanted one."

What's Michael Jackson's favorite things to say to little boys? "I'd really love to see you-hoo-hoo tonight," and "I can't smile without you-hoo-hoo."

You know how people say white men can’t jump? Well, you should check the 9/11 footage.

What do you say to an upset Down syndrome person?

I'd ask what's up, but it's definitely not you!

I hooked up with my German girlfriend. It was really distracting when she kept saying her age.

Job Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?

Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.

Vince Li doesn't eat comedians. He says they taste funny.