You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving, you need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
My girlfriend lives a few miles away from me.
The other night, she called me at around 3 AM. She was terrified. She said that there were two armed gunmen in her apartment.
With all that adrenaline going through my system, it made it hard to go back to sleep.
What's better than swinging a baby around on a rope?
Stopping it with a shovel.
what's the difference between a baby and a trampoline? the trampoline doesn't cave in when i jump on it.
Q:Why did the baby cross the road?
A:it wasn't in its car seat
How do you clean ash of a stove with chemicals
Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"
Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."
Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."
Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."
My last thought: Am I a murderer?
What’s one good thing about child molesters? They drive slow in a school zone.
Q: What did I find on my son's search history?
A: Where is the nearest gun shop?
Seat belts are like the condom for cars.
A horse walks into a bar. Several people get up and leave, realizing the potential danger in the situation.
I was driving through a neighborhood when I saw a sign that said "Autistic Child Zone." Then I thought to myself, "Oh shit, that wasn't a dog!"
What's the one good thing about pedophiles? They slow down near schoolzones.
Say what you want about pedophiles, but at least they drive slow through school zones.
A fire broke out at the circus, it was intense.
What do you get when you cross a highway on a bike?
Run over.
My friend was a victim of a school shooting once, but he couldn't tell if they were in the library because of the suppressor on his AR.
Which room is the safest place in the house?
The living room.
Gun control...
Pedophiles are really stupid and need to leave this earth.
