Safety jokes

Yo' mama is so fat, her cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard.

What's yellow and blue and found at the bottom of a pool? A baby with slashed floaties.

Two hunters are walking in the forest together. Hunter #2 flops down, unconscious, and Hunter #1 dials 911.

Operator: "911, what's your emergency?"

Hunter no. 1: "The other hunter, hunting with me in the woods, fell asleep."

Operator: "Check if he's/she's (not assuming genders) dead."

*Operator hears a distant gunshot*

Hunter no. 1: "What do I do next?"

Did you hear about the Boston marathon? 'Cause, well, I heard it was a blast and that it blew everyone away!

What Happens When You Get Caught On Fire?

— You Lost To Slmebody When You Were Playing Hide And Seek, And The Place Where You Got Caught Was Exactly On A Patch Of Fire.

Santa and Bill Cosby's favorite quote: "Don't be dumb, make sure they're numb, and always use a condom!"

My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records.

He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me.

A stone’s throw away, in fact.

I saw a sign that said, "Falling Rocks." I tried it, and it doesn't.

Friends are very important. I have lots of friends in very high places. I hope the police can talk them down!

Father: "The church is on fire! GET OUT! GET OUT!"

Priest: "Ok, what about the children?"

Father: "FUCK THE CHILDREN!"

Priest: "Do you think we'll have time?"

I want to thank all the sidewalks out there for keeping me off the street.

Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart.

I made sure it didn't outsmart me.

What is the best type of bath bomb?

A toaster.

What do cigarettes and hamsters have in common?

They can both be dangerous when you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.

Never buy an epileptic kid light-up Sketchers.

The other day my computer crashed. Luckily, there were no injuries.

Q: What's yellow and can't swim?

A: A school bus full of children.

I say 1, 2, 3, all the kids bullied me, but now they're not so cool, cuz I shot up the school.

My blind son got hit by a car when he was riding his new bike. He should have been paying attention.

What's yellow and can't swim?

A school bus full of children.