Safety jokes
What problems might a blind child run into?
A wall.
I slip on the wet floor, haha silly water :)
-Kachow!!!!!!!!!!!
-LMQ, You know what comes before lighting? THUNDER KACHIGA
Q: What is a skeleton's favorite color?
A: Blue stop signs.
Me: What's yellow and can't swim?
My sister: What??
Me: A school bus filled with kids.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Rabid cow.
Rabid cow who?
Hold on, I need to get my gun...
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Rabid cow.
Rabid cow who?
Hold on, I need to get my gun....
Yo' mama is so fat, her cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard.
What's yellow and blue and found at the bottom of a pool? A baby with slashed floaties.
Two hunters are walking in the forest together. Hunter #2 flops down, unconscious, and Hunter #1 dials 911.
Operator: "911, what's your emergency?"
Hunter no. 1: "The other hunter, hunting with me in the woods, fell asleep."
Operator: "Check if he's/she's (not assuming genders) dead."
*Operator hears a distant gunshot*
Hunter no. 1: "What do I do next?"
Did you hear about the Boston marathon? 'Cause, well, I heard it was a blast and that it blew everyone away!
What Happens When You Get Caught On Fire?
— You Lost To Slmebody When You Were Playing Hide And Seek, And The Place Where You Got Caught Was Exactly On A Patch Of Fire.
Santa and Bill Cosby's favorite quote: "Don't be dumb, make sure they're numb, and always use a condom!"
My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records.
He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me.
A stone’s throw away, in fact.
I saw a sign that said, "Falling Rocks." I tried it, and it doesn't.
Friends are very important. I have lots of friends in very high places. I hope the police can talk them down!
Father: "The church is on fire! GET OUT! GET OUT!"
Priest: "Ok, what about the children?"
Father: "FUCK THE CHILDREN!"
Priest: "Do you think we'll have time?"
I want to thank all the sidewalks out there for keeping me off the street.
Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart.
I made sure it didn't outsmart me.
What is the best type of bath bomb?
A toaster.
What do cigarettes and hamsters have in common?
They can both be dangerous when you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.