Santa and Bill Cosby's favorite quote: "Don't be dumb, make sure they're numb, and always use a condom!"
My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records.
He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me.
A stone’s throw away, in fact.
I saw a sign that said, "Falling Rocks." I tried it, and it doesn't.
Friends are very important. I have lots of friends in very high places. I hope the police can talk them down!
Father: "The church is on fire! GET OUT! GET OUT!"
Priest: "Ok, what about the children?"
Father: "FUCK THE CHILDREN!"
Priest: "Do you think we'll have time?"
I want to thank all the sidewalks out there for keeping me off the street.
Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart.
I made sure it didn't outsmart me.
What is the best type of bath bomb?
A toaster.
What do cigarettes and hamsters have in common?
They can both be dangerous when you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.
Never buy an epileptic kid light-up Sketchers.
The other day my computer crashed. Luckily, there were no injuries.
Q: What's yellow and can't swim?
A: A school bus full of children.
I say 1, 2, 3, all the kids bullied me, but now they're not so cool, cuz I shot up the school.
My blind son got hit by a car when he was riding his new bike. He should have been paying attention.
What's yellow and can't swim?
A school bus full of children.
What do you call a wet condom?
A wet condom.
What is yellow and can't swim?
A school bus full of kids.
People shouldn’t be afraid during a zombie apocalypse.
They can stay in their living room.
Someone threw a cup at my eye. I told 911 that I was mugged.
What's yellow all over and can't swim?
A school bus full of children.
