Safety jokes
What do you do to a pregnant lady on a step?
Push 'em.
The US Navy Atlantic Fleet is closing in on the North American shores. Suddenly a blip on the radar appears and the radio starts crackling:
"Hello, please divert to 5° East to avoid collision. Thank you."
The commander starts answering:
"No, you divert 5° West to avoid collision. Over!"
"Sorry, sir, you are the one who should divert to 5° East! Over!"
"Listen to me, you asshole! We are the USS Washington, and we have an entire fleet at our disposal, and be sure we'll use all means necessary to keep ourselves safe!"
After a moment of silence, the radio crackled again:
"In case you still haven't figured out, we can't move BECAUSE THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE!"
What's the difference between a nuclear reactor and your step sis? You need to use protection for the nuclear reactor.
Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson has made a laudable, command decision to omit real firearms from his movie sets.
This being the case, he ought to produce, direct, and star in his next movie titled: “The Rubber Gun Squad!” 👌 😉
What fits neatly into a hole, slides nicely between breasts, and if used wrong could choke someone? A seatbelt.
If there's ever a shooting at school, pull out an Uno reverse card.
Teachers: Whenever there’s a school shooting, hide under the desk.
Students: Hiding under desk.
Shooter: Well, no one’s in here!
Why did the Irishman use three condoms? To be sure, to be sure, to be sure!
What is the good thing about child molesters? They drive slow in school zones.
When you run over a speed bump in a school zone and you remember that there are no speed bumps.
Where is the most dangerous place for a human being to be?
In the womb of a woman who wants to abort her unborn baby. 😢
Why do midgets have to wear a green bright jacket when crossing the road?
Because they will get turned into a pancake even more.
It's not funny, I know.
What do you say before you jump off a building?
Parkour!
A man and a child walk into a forest.
The kid says, "Um, sir, it's getting dark, and I'm getting kinda scared."
The man says, "Yeah, well, think how I feel. I have to walk back out alone."
So I was being robbed, and this guy had the gun to my head, so I told him he was holding it backwards.
When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and then you remember there are no speed bumps.
You were born on a highway because that's where most accidents happen.
If you kayak with a cap on and the kayak capsizes, whether or not the cap falls off depends on the cap size.
Were you born on a highway? Because most accidents happen on the highway.
What do you call a traffic light that tells you, "Don't look, I am changing!"