Living in Houston, Texas, and realizing that hurricanes are an annual threat, my ex-wife called me and asked what would be the safest route to get out of Houston to avoid a hurricane. My answer? Take the 610 loop, dear!
One day, Billy cow wandered off to the railroad tracks where his mother always told him not to go. His mother asked him where he had gone when he got home. He replied that he was just going for a graze. His neighbor later told his mother he had saw him at the railroad tracks. What would you call Billy cow now?
Ground Beef.
Q: Why did the young boy ask his parents to take him to the Cowboys’ AT&T Stadium during the tornado warning?
A: He said, “There’s never a touchdown there.”
Fuck it, suicide is wrong, but if you jump off a bridge and yell "parkour," it's a failed stunt.
What time is it when you can drive home from phone?
What’s yellow and can’t swim?
A bus full of children.
Why did the boy not cross the road?
Because he was on thin ice.
Stephen Hawking is such a bad role model for our kids.
He only ever looks one way when crossing the street.
How do you stop a baby from drowning? pt. 2
-Harpoon it.
How do you stop a baby from drowning?
-Lift up your foot.
Today we need to teach our teens about having safe sex while using contraceptives.
Condoms 99 percent effective.
Birth control 99 percent effective.
Etc.
Just be like me and use underage 7 year olds works 100 percent of the time (only cost 20 years in jail ;)
What's the difference between a penis and a gun?
A child doesn't cry when a gun goes off in its mouth.
My bumper sticker says: "👋FORMER BABY ON BOARD."
Don't drink and park.
Accidents cause people.
Vital information: if you find a stray dog in an alleyway, don't stare at its eyes.
According to all known laws of aviation,
there is no way a bee should be able to fly.
Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground.
The bee, of course, flies anyway
because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.
Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black.
Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little.
Barry! Breakfast is ready!
Ooming!
Hang on a second.
Hello?
- Barry? - Adam?
- Oan you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up.
Looking sharp.
Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those.
Sorry. I'm excited.
Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son.
A perfect report card, all B's.
Very proud.
Ma! I got a thing going here.
- You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me!
- Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye!
Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house!
Why did the elephant cross the road? It didn't see the cars.
"Hippity hoppity, the school shooter spotted me."
I give props to pedophiles.
They always go slow in the school zones.
My car fell in a ditch today. Didn't want any more cars falling so I put a car-pit over it
