Safety jokes
Why is a wet pavement like playing music?
If you don't C sharp, you'll B flat.
A plane is going to crash. There are four passengers and only three parachutes. All the staff are safe and are gone, leaving the passengers. Ryan Reynolds is the first. He says, "My fans need me," and jumps. Donald Trump takes another and says, "I am the smartest president," and jumps, leaving one. There is a pope and a boy left. The pope says, "Child, my life is over and yours has just begun, take the last parachute." The boy replies, "Don't worry - Donald took my backpack."
I was shocked when I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof.
I called the suicide hotline, and he suggested I draw on myself to distract myself.
I replied I'd get ink poisoning.
Wouldn't recommend, the police came.
"Trust falling" with a bridge is more trustworthy than me.
What's yellow and can't swim?
A school bus full of children.
When the school shooter runs out of ammo: K a l m.
When he grabs a full mag: P a n i k.
When he looks back and doesn't see you, but you're hiding in one of the classrooms: K a l m.
When the autistic kid's Sketchers light up: P A N I K.
A father of five puts on a gas mask and a hazard suit and walks outside, but before he could make it, his son came and asked, "Dad, what are you wearing?"
The father answered with, "A costume for Halloween."
The child asked, "Can I join?" He said no, for he said it's their last Halloween. After that, I saw green smoke all over the same house they lived in.
Are you a toaster, because I want to have a bath with you.
What do Americans call high school?
A shooting range.
I usually don’t make school shooting jokes.
Because they’re aimed at a younger audience.
What do you call people who jumped in the dam?
A dam fool.
If your parachute doesn't work, don't worry.
You have the rest of your life to figure it out.
Boyfriend: "Babe, are you traffic police?"
Girlfriend: "No."
Boyfriend: "Then why do you shout at me for not wearing a helmet?"
Do not ever make fun of people who look like they have no necks. They are fully protected from vampires.
What do you call a wheelchair user in a fire?
Hot Wheels.
What’s the difference between a child and someone who has been kidnapped?
One of them is a domesticated pet.
What do Americans call high school?
Shooting range.
Apparently I'm not allowed home after house fires, but the neighbors, their house burnt lovely.
Somebody shouts "Fire!"
Man 1: Get the children out!
Man 2: F*** the children!
Man 3: We don't have time!