Safety jokes
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."
What's the difference between a white woman and a tornado siren?
The tornado siren doesn't get raped.
What’s worse than running with scissors?
Scissoring with the runs!
I guess making 9/11 jokes at the airport is better than shouting "He's got a gun!" at the airport.
What do you do when a woman is choking?
Back up a couple inches.
How can a pimp save money in buying condoms for his stable?
Answer: Have his hoes wash and rinse them after every use.
Why does OSHA require women to wear panties?
Because every manhole needs a cover.
Why did the terrorist masturbate and smoke weed on the plane?
He was told to high-jack it.
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.
The cop says, "Sister, this is a 55 MPH highway. Why are you going so slow?"
The Sister replies, "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55."
The cop answers, "Oh, Sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you are on!"
The Sister says, "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."
At this point, the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling. The cop asks, "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They are shaking something terrible."
The Sister answers, "We just got off Highway 101."
Joe Biden would’ve died in the Secret Service tackle. They would have been like, "Get down Mr. Presi-"
Do you think when the Secret Service heard the gunshot they were like, "Donald Duck"?
Yesterday during the storm, there was a blackout, so I shot him.
What do you call an autistic kid in a school shooting?
Target practice.
Why should you never throw grandpa's false teeth at a vehicle? You might denture car.
I just prevented a 10-year-old from getting assaulted.
Nothing much, I just decided to go home.
Beer Bottle: You break me, you get one year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get seven years of bad luck!
Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)
When a "Baby on Board" sticker is a little faded and beat up, you know the kid is at least a year old, and the car is safe to ram.
What do you call a paraplegic stuck in a tower?
In trouble!
Why are Christmas trees banned in mental hospitals?
Because the ornaments wouldn't be the only things hanging.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”