Safety jokes
Why are Christmas trees banned in mental hospitals?
Because the ornaments wouldn't be the only things hanging.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
How many times does 50 fit into 9?
Get in a van and find out!
What’s the difference between Texas and Flint, Michigan?
Nothing; no one cares how much lead is in the kids.
Why did the skydiver's parachute fail?
Because it realized it had a better chance of survival without them.
Why did the skydiver's parachute fail?
Because it was made by the same company that made their life decisions.
Why did the skydiver bring a backup parachute?
In case the first one wanted to "cut ties" with them mid-air.
What's the difference between a parachute and a coffin?
One brings you safely to the ground, and the other is a last resort when you've already hit it.
Why did the parachute refuse to open?
Because it had a "fatal attraction" to the ground.
Why did the parachute break up with the skydiver?
Because it was tired of being taken for granted every time things fell apart.
"Why don't skeletons go skydiving?"
"Because they don't have the guts... or the parachute!"
How does a rapper keep their money safe?
In a RAP VAULT.
Why did the rapper bring a parachute to the concert?
In case he had to drop some BOMBS.
LEO is the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.
What's rap boats got in common with plastic bags? They both a danger to young children.
If you think Tracy Latimer's murder was in any way justified, put on your helmet 'cause you're about to miss the short bus.
Why don't parents get school shooting jokes? They're aimed at a younger audience.
Why did the baby cross the road? The car seat wasn’t strapped in.
Lately, I’ve been wearing sunglasses when I have sex.
So I don’t get pepper sprayed.
Dear Victims... äh Passengers, we are flying now from Ryadh to New York. Amazing Building... äh Amazing City. There's online, but 2000 there were two Towers... äh Restaurants. We hijack the plane... äh Hi Jack. Jack is my co-pilot, and I said hello. Don‘t scream... History Repea... äh... History never comes back, we are now flying back to the Airport. 💀