Safety jokes
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"
What do babies and explosives have in common?
They both make a noise when you throw them.
Sorry, what’s the quickest way to get to the hospital? Easy, just stand in the middle of a busy road.
Did you hear about the boy who got raped by a group of women in the park whilst jogging? Now there are lots of male joggers in the area.
I drove through a school zone and found out you can drag a speed bump 😬.
Why do women buy clothes from the kids section? Because rapists prey on the weak.
What is the day parents stopped fearing for their little boys? June 25, dead pedo day.
Health and safety tips: Looking at your hairline is hazardous. For your best interest, please look away.
What is red and puts out fire?
What do you call a terrorist in a wheelchair?
RCXD.
A police officer came up to me and said, "Just why, why would you bring the epileptic children to a laser tag fight?"
Mom tells her son to go to the other kid, to walk to the kid just standing still, to clap so the kid can hear and move out of the way of the car.
But her son was blind, the other kid had no legs so he couldn't walk, and the kid has no arms so he couldn't clap, and the kid died because he couldn't hear; he was deaf.
How can a man make the world safer?
By having the chop.
Keep yourself safe!
"kys" (keep yourself safe).
The fact that I am high won't stop me from advising you.
Don't plug your phone while charging it; it is very dangerous.
Why couldn't people have their phone on airplane mode during 9/11?
Because their phone exploded the towers.
School shooting: Happens.
Foreign Exchange Student: Starts sobbing under desk.
American Student: "First time?"
Those rape alarms give you a headache, don't they?
Yo mama so fat, her cereal bowl has a lifeguard.