A police officer came up to me and said, "Just why, why would you bring the epileptic children to a laser tag fight?"
Mom tells her son to go to the other kid, to walk to the kid just standing still, to clap so the kid can hear and move out of the way of the car.
But her son was blind, the other kid had no legs so he couldn't walk, and the kid has no arms so he couldn't clap, and the kid died because he couldn't hear; he was deaf.
How can a man make the world safer?
By having the chop.
Keep yourself safe!
"kys" (keep yourself safe).
The fact that I am high won't stop me from advising you.
Don't plug your phone while charging it; it is very dangerous.
Why couldn't people have their phone on airplane mode during 9/11?
Because their phone exploded the towers.
School shooting: Happens.
Foreign Exchange Student: Starts sobbing under desk.
American Student: "First time?"
Those rape alarms give you a headache, don't they?
Yo mama so fat, her cereal bowl has a lifeguard.
What do you call an autistic kid coming to school with a gun?
Special Forces incoming!
I went to kill Biden with poison water and mixed it with my finger, and then licked it. I passed out, and now I'm here.
What is the similarity of a bomb and a baby?
When you drop them both, everyone screams.
I do consider Johnny Depp to be a victim of domestic violence.
Just like how I consider a children's hospital run by Michael Jackson and a retirement home run by Harold Shipman to be both safe places to be in.
Why does the Please Touch Museum sound like "police touch museum?"
Because they gotta watch out for the pedos.
Rape can happen to anybody, so I think I will continue taking the short cut home through the dark alleyways, wearing barely anything and walk really close to bushes.
When is a rapist safe around children?
When his plans are oven ready.
What's the #1 rule of kidnapping prevention?
Don't get carried away!
The way to stop school shootings is to give children an RPG.
I've got a job defusing landmines.
It's difficult, but hopefully soon I'll find my feet.
