Safety jokes
What's the fastest way to get to the hospital? Stand in the middle of the road.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.”
Why did the chicken cro-
UM, ACTUALLY, THE CHICKEN CAN'T CROSS THE ROAD UNLESS IT'S UNDER SOME ROOSTER OR HEN SUPERVISION OR ELSE THE CAR WILL CRASH THE CHICKEN, AND THEY WILL DIE. 🤓
What did the other traffic cone say to the other?
"Look away, I'm changing!"
So I walked into my bathroom to clean some stuff, and no one ever told me you can't put phones in the bathtub!
How do you kill a retard?
Give them a knife and say, "Who's special?"
A girl walks into an Adult Store. "Hi, I want to buy that red dildo right there."
Cashier: "That's a fire extinguisher, you whore."
What animal has 5 legs?
A pitbull on a children's playground.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
You pull the pin and throw it back!
Wait, 911 is the American emergency number...
Okay, so turns out the toasters are not waterproof...
Me and my girlfriend were walking in the woods.
Her: I am scared!
Me: What do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.
Yo mama so stupid, she put airbags on her computer in case it crashed.
Five out of six people agree that Russian Roulette is safe.
"I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."
Don’t you hate it when you are driving in a school zone and the speed bump starts screaming?
Husband: Dammit, Alice! I'm your husband, and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you!
Wife: Go to hell, Bob! I'm leaving!
Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"
What do babies and explosives have in common?
They both make a noise when you throw them.
Sorry, what’s the quickest way to get to the hospital? Easy, just stand in the middle of a busy road.