What animal has 5 legs?
A pitbull on a children's playground.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
You pull the pin and throw it back!
Wait, 911 is the American emergency number...
Okay, so turns out the toasters are not waterproof...
Me and my girlfriend were walking in the woods.
Her: I am scared!
Me: What do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.
Yo mama so stupid, she put airbags on her computer in case it crashed.
Five out of six people agree that Russian Roulette is safe.
"I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."
Don’t you hate it when you are driving in a school zone and the speed bump starts screaming?
Husband: Dammit, Alice! I'm your husband, and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you!
Wife: Go to hell, Bob! I'm leaving!
Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"
What do babies and explosives have in common?
They both make a noise when you throw them.
Sorry, what’s the quickest way to get to the hospital? Easy, just stand in the middle of a busy road.
Did you hear about the boy who got raped by a group of women in the park whilst jogging? Now there are lots of male joggers in the area.
I drove through a school zone and found out you can drag a speed bump 😬.
Why do women buy clothes from the kids section? Because rapists prey on the weak.
What is the day parents stopped fearing for their little boys? June 25, dead pedo day.
Health and safety tips: Looking at your hairline is hazardous. For your best interest, please look away.
What is red and puts out fire?
What do you call a terrorist in a wheelchair?
RCXD.
