Safety jokes
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours.
Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
Say this to your significant other (or your weird friends!)
Are you an unsafe staircase? 'Cause you look like you could use a railing.
Why can't weapons play baseball?
Because they need to get to home base.
I was going 80 in a school zone and the speed bump was screaming.
Why does fireman wear red suspenders?
To hold his pants up.
What do you call a feminist with a rape whistle? Delusional and optimistic.
What do the Twin Towers and my ad's condom both have in common?
They both broke and everybody cried.
Why do American guns only have 30 rounds?
Because it's the average class size.
What do you call a gay kid on fire?
What's the good thing about child perverts?
They drive slow in a school zone.
I have always been scared of stairs; they're always up to something.
The S in America stands for safe.
I never do dark jokes, but when I feel like it, I prefer orphan jokes, 'cause they're the safest option. I mean, what are they gonna do, call their parents?
What’s yellow and can’t swim?
A school bus full of children.
I like my women like I like my traction control: disabled.
I gave a gun to a blind person and told them it was a hair dryer.
"Water exists."
Airport security: "What the fuck did you just say?"
True fact: Five out of six people think Russian roulette is safe.
(Russian roulette is a game where you put 1 bullet in a pistol that has 6 chambers; each person spins it and tries not to land on the bullet to find out if you got the bullet or not. You point the gun at yourself and pull the trigger.)
Hey, I just found out my toaster is waterproof! :D
Why is it bad to climb a tree?
You might fall on an orphan! 🫥