Road jokes
A man is standing on the side of the road, waiting to cross, when another man stands alongside him. The first man says, "I have been waiting to cross here for ages. It's impossible to cross."
The second man says, "There is a zebra crossing up the road." He said, "I hope he is having better luck than I am!"
Why did the stoner cross the road?
He got so wasted, he thought he was a chicken.
Why did the elephant cross the road? It didn't see the cars.
Why did the pervert cross the road?
'Cause he was stuck to the chicken.
Man, don't you hate it when you hit a speed bump by an orphanage but then realize there's no speed bumps here...
Why did an Indian cross the road?
To take a shit.
A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.
The physicist said, "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed."
The engineer said, "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong."
The programmer said, "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"
So, a retarded kid's mom drops her kid off at school and says, "You better stop the bus today, because I’m not picking you up." So he agrees, and he arrives at the bus stop and says, "Stop!" (in a retarded voice). The bus goes straight past him. The next day, the mom says the same thing, and the kid goes to the bus stop and says, "Stop!" (in a retarded voice). The bus goes straight past him. The third day, his mom says, "I don’t care if I have to jump out in the middle of the road, you better stop that bus!" So the kid goes to the bus stop and jumps out in the middle of the road and says, "Stop!" The bus driver runs over him. A nearby lady stops the bus and says, "Why’d you run that poor kid over?" and he responds, "'Cause he was making fun of me" (in a retarded voice).
Why did the Indian cross the road?
Because he opened a corner shop on the other side.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock knock?
Who's there?
The chicken!
Americans: We drive on the right side of the road.
The British: We drive on the left side of the road.
Russia: ROAD IS ROAD. *crashing noises follow*
I took my son to a driver's school and am surprised because he got his license but soon lost the privilege to drive a car because he ran over my ex on "accident."
(I gotta go pay him out of jail!)
"Have you driven through Dealey Plaza? It will blow your mind."
~John F. Kennedy
A guy wakes up one morning and is walking down the road, and he smells fish, and he says, "Good morning, ladies!"
Some people say I'm rude, but I think I'm pretty nice because the other day I saw this kid crying on the road and I asked him where his parents were. I just love looking at an orphanage.
I pushed a disabled kid down a busy road and yelled out, "Mario Kart!"
Why did the emo person cross the road?
TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE Haha.
So, I saw two homeless people on the road fighting. I said, "Stop fighting and go home." I guess it was a little insensitive.
Why did the nose cross the road to find the person who "nose"?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because the one behind it wasn't social distancing.