Right jokes
What has 2 or 3 hands and is always right twice a day when it is broken?
A clock.
What did the North Tower say to the South Tower? I can’t talk right now, I gotta catch a plane.
The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: to be shot, to be hung, or to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.
Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap, he was dead.
Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.
Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
Finally, the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"
The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom!"
Inside a room full of squares, buckets, and tints, there are two inspectors. One is called Mr. Right, the other one is called Mr. Wrong. Because of their names, the first one is trusted more than the second one.
Mr. Wrong eventually got tired of that and worked on a plan for how more people could trust him. He took a jigsaw and he started to cut into his brain and sawed away half of his brain. It was still working.
Then he took a loaf of toast, cut it into half and glued it on his head, and then he made a strawberry cream and sprayed it on the toast. Because people couldn't recognize him as "Mr. Wrong," he was able to solve more cases.
Beauty is blind? Ya damn right, 'cause that's what happened when she saw your ass.
I only got one question wrong on my biology test yesterday.
The question was, "What is most commonly found in a cell?"
Apparently, "Black People" wasn't the right answer.
Your mom is the biggest tosser on the planet, yeah, you heard right.
I don't have to strain myself a blood vessel and be wankin' solo anymore; she saved me a whole load of arthritis.
The best news about a pretty girl with special needs is that you can get her to do exactly what you want her to do.
I mean, she probably thinks receiving oral is like 100% blood sausage coming right at her.
I said, "Are you half left or half right?"
"Neither! In-between."
"What?! In between your mom's tits when you go to sleep with her at night?"
Why is a ghost so predictable?
Because you can see right through it.
I finally know why my brain doesn't work!
On the left side, there's nothing right, and on the right side, there's nothing left.
Why does everyone get offended at female firefighters?
Like seriously, if your house is on fire and burning, you wouldn't really care if the person saving you had a low IQ, right?
What's the difference between Taco Bell and KFC?
KFC doesn't have Border Patrol agents surrounding all of its buildings right now.
Roses are red, CEO's are white, Patrick Mahomes says, the refs are always right.
At the bar last night, a woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me.
On a related note, I suck at darts.
A UN survey asked the following: Please, in your honest opinion, could you give your thoughts on the food shortages in the rest of the world?
It was a failure because:
South Americans don’t know the word “please.”
Eastern Europeans don’t know the word “honest.”
Middle Easterns don’t know the word “opinion.”
Balkans don’t know the word “give.”
Chinese don’t know the word “thoughts.”
Africans don’t know the word “food.”
Western Europeans don’t know the word “shortage.”
Americans don’t know the words “the rest of the world.”
Then they simply explained “just donate healthy food to the global south to help.” But that still didn’t sit right with everyone, because Israelis do not know the word “donate,” and Pacific Islanders do not know the words “healthy food.”
I just watched a 9/11 documentary on a plane. Man next to me said, "You know we're going to New York, right?" I told him I just wanna know what I got into.
What’s the difference between a gun and liberals?
Guns only have one trigger.
Why should you never make height jokes about dwarfs?
It goes right over their head.
I told my mom, "Do you want to see a magic trick?" She said yes. I said, "You are going to have a hot dog and cream pie together." My mom said, "No, I'm not," but I told my mom, "I'm going to need your assistance." First, I need you to lick and suck on my hot dog that is attached to me, which she did. The next minute my mom has a cream pie over her face. Then I told my mom, "You see, you are going to have a hot dog and cream pie together." Then my mom said, "When you are right, you are right."