Right Jokes

I finally know why my brain doesn't work!

On the left side, there's nothing right, and on the right side, there's nothing left.

Why does everyone get offended at female firefighters?

Like seriously, if your house is on fire and burning, you wouldn't really care if the person saving you had a low IQ, right?

What's the difference between Taco Bell and KFC?

KFC doesn't have Border Patrol agents surrounding all of its buildings right now.

Roses are red, CEO's are white, Patrick Mahomes says, the refs are always right.

At the bar last night, a woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me.

On a related note, I suck at darts.

A UN survey asked the following: Please, in your honest opinion, could you give your thoughts on the food shortages in the rest of the world?

It was a failure because:

South Americans don’t know the word “please.”

Eastern Europeans don’t know the word “honest.”

Middle Easterns don’t know the word “opinion.”

Balkans don’t know the word “give.”

Chinese don’t know the word “thoughts.”

Africans don’t know the word “food.”

Western Europeans don’t know the word “shortage.”

Americans don’t know the words “the rest of the world.”

Then they simply explained “just donate healthy food to the global south to help.” But that still didn’t sit right with everyone, because Israelis do not know the word “donate,” and Pacific Islanders do not know the words “healthy food.”

I just watched a 9/11 documentary on a plane. Man next to me said, "You know we're going to New York, right?" I told him I just wanna know what I got into.

What’s the difference between a gun and liberals?

Guns only have one trigger.

Why should you never make height jokes about dwarfs?

It goes right over their head.

I told my mom, "Do you want to see a magic trick?" She said yes. I said, "You are going to have a hot dog and cream pie together." My mom said, "No, I'm not," but I told my mom, "I'm going to need your assistance." First, I need you to lick and suck on my hot dog that is attached to me, which she did. The next minute my mom has a cream pie over her face. Then I told my mom, "You see, you are going to have a hot dog and cream pie together." Then my mom said, "When you are right, you are right."

What's the difference between women and men?

Men have rights.

Every depressed person just has to say, "I WANT TO JUMP OFF THAT TALL BUILDING RIGHT THERE!" and then points to the building and runs up to it like an immature child, and then they get disappointed when they aren't allowed into the building.

It's easy to tell if a skeleton is lying to you because you can see right through them.

Some guy called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.

Islamist guys and American Christian right-wing guys are both similar in that both abhor the existence of gay people, but only the Christian Right loves to eat sausages, especially the little ones, if you know what I mean...

A Biologist, a Chemist, and a Statistician are out hunting.

The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left.

The chemist shoots at the same deer and misses five feet to the right.

The statistician shouts, "We got him!"

A sign that broadcast television has less impact on the masses: The force-feeding of Kelly Clarkson on network television has yet to impact the large stacks of Kelly Clarkson CDs collecting dust in Goodwill, right next to those James Last LPs.

Why are Republicans supporting giving felons the right to vote?

Because their own personal jeebus is a felon!

"Dude, can you believe Republicans are opposed to homosexuality, women's rights, and immigration, yet they are silent when it comes to incest and child molestation?"

"Well, I'm not surprised. Republicans have to win the Alabama vote, or else."

What do us emos all have in common?

Depression. Anxiety. The sole desire to just start saying you wanna kys right out of the blue a lot and saying "I CAN'T WAIT TO JUMP OF THAT BUILDING SOON!" and other people say, "Idgaf, do it, all of us would be happy."