Somebody: Do you even eat and get sleep-? Me: I have depression what do you think-?!
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man from a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
22. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life. 24. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back. 31. My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.
1.) What’s Yellow And Can’t Swim? - A Bus Full Of Children 2.) Did you hear bout the pilsbury dough boy? - he died of a yeast infection 3.) I will never forget my grandads last words... - “you’re still holding the ladder right?” 4.) I have a fish that can breakdance... - only for 20 seconds though, and only once 5.) give a man a match and he will be warm for a few hours... - lite a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
If you give Kobe Bryant a cigarette he will be warm for a short time, But he was set on fire in the helicopter crash so now he's warm for the rest of his life.
You Could Hold Your Breath for the Rest of Your Life ***Think about it.***
why do you let your dads sleep so they dont get grumpy and eat your dinner
Give a man a potato, he is full for a day Give a man a poisoned potato, hell be full for the rest of his life.
Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot...... The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
Who needs singles day when your single for the rest of your life!
John F. Kennedy may rest in pieces
Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
This joke includes potentially sensitive content.
Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia. The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.
After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.
The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:
"Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please."
His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a teapot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.
After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.
The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn.
The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared.
The receptionist responds:
"Well, comrade major did quite like your tea joke."
Mom: Anna let your younger brother have the sled one half of the time and you the other half that way it will all be fair and I don't have to put up with this crying, I've already got 7 others to take care of.
Anna: I do mom. I have Fred(younger brother) go up and I go down!
Mom: Good. NOW HOW 'BOUT THE REST OF YOU GO PLAY OUTSIDE IT'S BEAUTIFUL OUT THERE IT'S THE WARMEST IT'S BEEN ALL YEAR, 45 DEGREES BELOW 0!
Kids: WOW! I never thought it would warm up! I love Alaska!
Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
Why don’t coffins have wifi?
Because they don’t want people to be so ‘connected’ while they’re trying to rest in peace.
What time is it when you walk home from school? Time to rest
