Rest jokes
Who needs Singles Day when you're single for the rest of your life!
My friend is upset with me because I sniffed his grandmother's nickers. Not sure if it was because she was still wearing them or if it was because the whole family was watching. Either way, the rest of her funeral was really awkward.
Why do you let your dads sleep so they don't get grumpy and eat your dinner?
Give a man a potato, he is full for a day.
Give a man a poisoned potato, he'll be full for the rest of his life.
There was someone who slept late... he missed the dream!
Memes
I never knew this š¶
Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot...
The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.
Peter Griffin walks into a bar.
Peter Griffin walks into a bar.
Peter Griffin walks into a bar.
I think I may have forgotten the rest of the joke.
Mom: Anna, let your younger brother have the sled one half of the time, and you the other half. That way it will all be fair, and I don't have to put up with this crying. I've already got seven others to take care of.
Anna: I do, Mom. I have Fred (younger brother) go up, and I go down!
Mom: Good. Now how 'bout the rest of you go play outside? It's beautiful out there! It's the warmest it's been all year, 45 degrees below 0!
Kids: Wow! I never thought it would warm up! I love Alaska!
Sometimes I think back on all the people Iāve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.
Give a man a match, and heāll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and heāll be warm for the rest of his life.
You donāt need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
Iāll never forget my fatherās last words to me just before he died: āAre you sure you fixed the brakes?ā
Why donāt coffins have Wi-Fi?
Because they donāt want people to be so āconnectedā while theyāre trying to rest in peace.
Bro, you ever think while driving the moped why they call it a footrest when the foot never lets it rest? The foot is working harder than the engine. You push, push, but still go the same speed like a turtle with a bad mood during a rabbit race...
Emos,
They're always a cut above the rest.
What is a good night? Sleep tight, I have four.
What time is it when you walk home from school? Time to rest.
Voting is like doing a group project in school.
I did my part, but Iām worried the rest of you are going to fuck this up.
I don't want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.
Why is the day you do laundry, cook, clean, iron, and so on called a day off?
When Trump goes to the beach, he doesn't use suntan lotion. He uses Dorito dust, and it stays on for the rest of his life.
What happens when you throw an underage boy between two Catholic priests?
They fight and... You know the rest.
Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.
After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.
The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:
"Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please."
His friends laugh at the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a teapot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.
After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.
The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn.
The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared.
The receptionist responds:
"Well, comrade major did quite like your tea joke."