New Rest Jokes

a UN survey asked the following: Please, in your honest opinion, could you give your thoughts on the food shortages in the rest of the world?

It was a faliure because

South Americans don’t know the word “please”

Eastern Europeans don’t know the word “honest”

Middle Easterns don’t know the word “opinion”

Balkans don’t know the word “give”

Chinese don’t know the word “thoughts”

Africans don’t know the word “food”

Western Europeans don’t know the word “shortage”

and Americans don’t know the words “the rest of the world.”

Then they simply explained “just donate healthy food to the global south to help.” But that still didn’t sit right with everyone, because Israelis do not know the word “donate,” and Pacific Islanders do not know the words “healthy food.”

You will remember reading this for the rest of your life.

Bro you ever think while driving the moped why they call it footrest when foot never let it rest foot working harder than engine you push push but still go same speed like turtle with bad mood diring rabbit race...

Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.

I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system

Your hairline is so far back, that if you were a backbencher in class and i was a germ sitting on it, i would think that the rest of the backbenchers are seated infront of the class

Why don’t coffins have wifi?

Because they don’t want people to be so ‘connected’ while they’re trying to rest in peace.

Whenever I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep. There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things and it can be quite annoying, making it hard for the patient to sleep, so I unplug them.

Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”

Where can a gay male that is abled bodied find the location of a glory hole if he is looking for a free and anonymous blowjob from another gay male? From a physically disabiled gay male who is either at the gym 💪 💪 🏋️‍♂️ or at the rest area ♿️ 🚹 🚽

What is the difference between kinky and perverted? Kinky is when a abled bodied gay male is receiving a anonymous blow job from a physically disabiled gay male under the handicapped stall at a rest area and perverted is when a abled bodied gay male has to give a Klondike Bar to a physically disabiled gay male to received a anonymous blow job under the handicapped stall at a rest area

Q. What do you say when your friend has an abortion? A. May your baby rest in pieces.

Emos They're always a cut above the rest.

I think it’s dumb that people say a woman belongs in the kitchen How else is the rest of the house going to get cleaned

The worst comedians take 9 months to make a joke. Then they spen the rest of their lives trying to forget it.

Voting is like doing a group project in school

I did my part, but I’m worried the rest of you are going to fuck this up

A blind pilot walks into a plane waving his walking stick

The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,

"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights."

Next the co-pilot makes his way to the plane and he is also blind and uses his walking stick to make it to the cabin. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,

"Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the co-pilot is also blind, but rest assured, he is the second best pilot in the world with over five thousand successful flights."

At this point the plane begins to take off from the runway. As it gains speed, the passengers grow tenser. The plane keeps accelerating more and more and as it approaches the end of the runway, it still hasn't left the ground. The plane is approaching the end of the runway at high speed and the passengers scream, "Oh my God, we're all going to die!!"

Suddenly, the plane takes off and begins its ascent.

The pilot turns to the co-pilot and says, "The day they stop screaming, we're screwed."

Fork pierces the flesh Guided by hunger's demand Savoury feast waits

Tines dig deep within Seeking the sustenance craved A mealtime delight

Belly grumbles loud Yearning for nourishment's touch Fork answers the call

Food on the platter Fork dances with anticipation To satiate hunger's plea

Digestion begins Fork's journey now complete Nourishing the soul

Why does the fork go? To bring joy to empty hearts Satiating needs

In the stomach's depths Fork finds purpose and solace A culinary bond

With each mealtime tale The fork carves memories deep In stomachs it rests

For centuries, Japan’s feudal dictators, called Shoguns, enforced strict laws that kept people from leaving or entering the country. This practice isolated Japan from the rest of the world. By the middle of the 19th century, Japan’s isolationism was creating problems for the United States’ whaling industry whose ships needed coal, food, and water available in Japanese ports. And sailors who were shipwrecked on the coast of Japan needed protection from mistreatment. In November 1852, President Millard Fillmore sent an expedition to Japan to solve these problems. Led by Commodore Matthew C. Perry, the the expedition had both steam-powered and sail-powered warships and several hundred men. Perry’s task was to persuade the Japanese to sign a treaty with the United States that would open Japanese ports and protect shipwrecked sailors. On July 8, 1853, the Perry expedition sailed into Edo Bay about thirty miles from the city of Edo (modern Tokyo). During talks with the Shogun’s representatives, the idea of a treaty was repeatedly rejected. But Perry didn’t give up. Finally, in February 1854, the Japanese agreed to negotiate a treaty. The Treaty of Kanagawa established peace between the two countries, opened two ports to U.S. shipping, and protected shipwrecked sailors. It was signed on March 31, 1854. Perry’s expedition also opened Japan to the rest of the world. Within two years, Japan signed similar treaties with Russia, Holland, and Britain.