Remembering jokes

Remember: Alcohol doesn't solve your problems, but neither does milk or water.

Two girls have a sleepover.

Karen: Let's go to bed.

Lauren: Fine, but it's early.

*Karen wakes up and exits room*

*Lauren hears noise*

Mikey: You're so much better than my girlfriend, Karen.

Lauren: *laughs*

Lauren: *remembers her boyfriend is Karen's brother, Mikey*

I was gonna say when you were born your mum saw you and screamed, but I remembered you were adopted...

I will always remember my dad's last words....

"15 dollars and I'll jump."

I'll always remember my Dad's last words before he died on 9/11...

Allahu Akbar!

This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.

I was staring at boobs, and she said, "Press One?"

So I did...

I don't remember much after that.

Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!

Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*

Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true.

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

What’s the best way to get people to remember your birthday? Kill yourself.

I remember waving at this guy in the street. The a**hole didn't wave back... Come to think of it, he was also swinging around a weird stick.

I will remember my biker buddy's last words: "Why did you cut in front of me?"

Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Life lesson guys:

Remember, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible.

When you hear your mom’s car pull in the driveway and you remember that she told you to take the chicken out of the freezer 7 hours ago.

I’d tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I only remember the punch line.

I decided that I'll end it all, but when I drove off, I remembered I forgot to do the dishes.

My doctor told me I had Alzheimer’s.

I said to him, “I don’t remember asking.”

I was crying at school and telling my friends that my grandpa died. Then I told them I still remember his last words. They wanted to hear them. They are: "you still holding the ladder?"

So I was digging in the garden and I found some treasure. I was gonna tell my wife when I remembered why I was digging in the garden.

Quote for the day.

I looked this quote up, but it really is a good thing, just for starters.

"Sometimes you will never know the VALUE of a moment until it becomes a MEMORY."

Also, loving is so much more to give instead! Always remember to love!!! Best-Gwen :)