Remembering jokes

Two girls have a sleepover.

Karen: Let's go to bed.

Lauren: Fine, but it's early.

*Karen wakes up and exits room*

*Lauren hears noise*

Mikey: You're so much better than my girlfriend, Karen.

Lauren: *laughs*

Lauren: *remembers her boyfriend is Karen's brother, Mikey*

I was digging a hole in the garden until I found some coins! I was about to tell my mum when I remembered I was digging a hole in the garden.

An old man is sitting on a park bench, crying his eyes out. A jogger stops, feels bad for him, and asks, "Sir, what's wrong?"

The old man sobs, "I'm 85 years old. I have a 25-year-old wife at home who is a supermodel. She cooks me gourmet meals every day, she keeps the house spotless, and we spend every night in total, passionate bliss."

The jogger looks confused. "Wait... that sounds amazing! Why are you crying?"

The old man looks up, tears streaming down his face, and wails: "I can't remember where I live!"

I was gonna say when you were born your mum saw you and screamed, but I remembered you were adopted...

I will always remember my dad's last words....

"15 dollars and I'll jump."

I'll always remember my Dad's last words before he died on 9/11...

Allahu Akbar!

I remember waving at this guy in the street. The a**hole didn't wave back... Come to think of it, he was also swinging around a weird stick.

It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It's true.

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

What’s the best way to get people to remember your birthday? Kill yourself.

This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.

I was staring at boobs, and she said, "Press One?"

So I did...

I don't remember much after that.

Someone: PLEASE EAT! I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE!

Me: *Trying to remember how long it would take me to die of starvation because I've already googled it and given up because it takes too long.*

Me: Na, yeah, I still have 19 days left.

I will remember my biker buddy's last words: "Why did you cut in front of me?"

Life lesson guys:

Remember, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible.

Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

When you hear your mom’s car pull in the driveway and you remember that she told you to take the chicken out of the freezer 7 hours ago.

I’d tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I only remember the punch line.

I decided that I'll end it all, but when I drove off, I remembered I forgot to do the dishes.

My doctor told me I had Alzheimer’s.

I said to him, “I don’t remember asking.”

I was crying at school and telling my friends that my grandpa died. Then I told them I still remember his last words. They wanted to hear them. They are: "you still holding the ladder?"

So I was digging in the garden and I found some treasure. I was gonna tell my wife when I remembered why I was digging in the garden.