When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

i remember my grandfathers last words: “is that loaded?”

Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you. Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

I have a fear of speed bumps

But i am slowly getting over it

Knock Knock! Who’s their? It’s Dave! Dave Who? *Dave proceeds to break down crying at the realization that his grandmother’s Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him.

I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

I’d tell a joke about my abusive dad but I only remember the punch line.

**** (A cell phone in an upscale gym locker room in NYC rings and the man puts it on loud speaker next to him … everyone else in the room stops to listen): Man : Hello? Woman : Hi honey, it’s me. Are you at the club? Man : Yes. Woman : I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man : Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman : I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man : How much? Woman : $90,000. Man : Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman : Great! Oh, and one more thing … I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market … they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man : I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman : OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man : I love you to. **** (The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.) The man turns around and says : “Anyone know whose phone this is”?

I’ll always remember my dads last words… Why do you have an axe we live in the city

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. – I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.

Remember, kids: the school shooter can’t get you if YOU are the shooter.

What does a cow say when he remembers something? “I have deja moo!”

Why couldn’t most people remember 9/11?

Because it flew over their heads.

I still remember the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket. He said, “Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

I still remember my granpas last words: turn the lawn mower off!

An orphan walks into a supermarket, gets lost calls for his mum then remembers

When you go over a speed bump but you remember that there are no speed bumps in the school zone

I’m old enough to remember innocent times when the worst headline was plane hijackers flying into buildings.