Speed

The demon

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

Last Word

Anonymous

i remember my grandfathers last words: “is that loaded?”

Fat

Anonymous

Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you. Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

Puns

Anonymous

I have a fear of speed bumps

But i am slowly getting over it

0

Cry

Anonymous

Knock Knock! Who’s their? It’s Dave! Dave Who? *Dave proceeds to break down crying at the realization that his grandmother’s Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him.

Puns

John Doe

I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

0

Abuse

PScantron

I’d tell a joke about my abusive dad but I only remember the punch line.

Wife

Scott

**** (A cell phone in an upscale gym locker room in NYC rings and the man puts it on loud speaker next to him … everyone else in the room stops to listen): Man : Hello? Woman : Hi honey, it’s me. Are you at the club? Man : Yes. Woman : I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man : Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman : I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man : How much? Woman : $90,000. Man : Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman : Great! Oh, and one more thing … I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market … they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man : I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman : OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man : I love you to. **** (The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.) The man turns around and says : “Anyone know whose phone this is”?

Darkness

Bradthetad

I’ll always remember my dads last words… Why do you have an axe we live in the city

Difference

Person

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

Eating

Anonymous

Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. – I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

5

Puns

Tenzin da fadafingling

My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.

1

Shooter

demiurge

Remember, kids: the school shooter can’t get you if YOU are the shooter.

Cow

Mr. Steak

What does a cow say when he remembers something? “I have deja moo!”

People

Penal_Infection9000

Why couldn’t most people remember 9/11?

Because it flew over their heads.

Puns

John Doe

I still remember the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket. He said, “Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

5

Last Word

JAred

I still remember my granpas last words: turn the lawn mower off!

Orphan

Anonymous

An orphan walks into a supermarket, gets lost calls for his mum then remembers

2

Speed

ROAB_EPIC

When you go over a speed bump but you remember that there are no speed bumps in the school zone

Time

groundwork

I’m old enough to remember innocent times when the worst headline was plane hijackers flying into buildings.