Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times, and she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
Remembering Jokes
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.
I remember my grandfather's last words: "Is that loaded?"
You can laugh at how men are stupid. But remember their favorite thing.
It starts with "M" and ends with "arriage".
If you guessed "Marriage" you're stupid. It's miscarriage and don't forget it. The joke never gets old to him. Just like the baby.
When you run over a speed bump in a school zone and you remember that there are no speed bumps.
When the school shooter finds you and you think you’re gonna die, but he remembers the time you gave him a pen.
Remember kids if ur ever mad beat up an orphan what are they gonna do call their mom??
When you have sex with a coworker but remember it's a family business.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Seven’s been worried about six even since he left Afghanistan. Every time 6 closes his eyes, he sees the war and hears the gunshots. He sees the blood, the killing, the death, and soldiers falling. When he looks at seven, he remembers when they were forced to eat their own flesh to not starve in those caves. He sees the war and the flashbacks will come back forever, burned into his soul and mind.
I'd tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I only remember the punch line.
There are times I miss you, that I wish I could remember where I hid your body.
A cell phone in an upscale gym locker room in NYC rings and the man puts it on loud speaker next to him. Everyone else in the room stops to listen:
Man: Hello? Woman: Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club? Man: Yes. Woman: I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man: Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman: I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man: How much? Woman: $90,000. Man: Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market... they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man: I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman: OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man: I love you to.
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
The man turns around and says: “Anyone know whose phone this is?”
How can a guy do stand up comedy in a wheelchair?
Some boy says 100000 digits of pi, and this other dude can't even remember the 1st one.
My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.
I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.
I will always remember my grandpa's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"
What is the worst combination of illnesses?
Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.
