Remember, if you are suffering from paranoia...
You are not alone.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. When I'm taking out the trash, I remember you.
Why couldn’t most people remember 9/11?
Because it flew over their heads.
Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. -- I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Remember, kids: the school shooter can't get you if YOU are the shooter.
A kid walks in late to class. The teacher asks him, "Why are you late?" and he replies, "I was busy throwing pebbles in the lake." Another kid walks in late to class, and the teacher asks him, "Why are you late?" and he replies, "I was busy throwing pebbles in the lake." The last kid walks in and the teacher says, "Why are you late?...and why are you wet?" and the kid says back, "Remember, my name is Pebbles!!"
Me having a good day. Going on a walk on a peaceful day.
My depression: hey, what's up!
Me: go away.
My depression: well how rude.
Me: 🙄.
My depression: remember that one time......
Me: no, don't even.
My depression: that we.....
Me: nope.
My depression: *says really fast*: said that one stupid joke that wasn't funny and everybody just stared at you, and then you spilled water all over yourself and it looked like you peed yourself. And you went home and cried yourself to sleep just like you do every single night.
Me: 😳😶😟.
My depression: 😉 don't worry I'll always be here for you.
I still remember my grandpa's last words: "Turn the lawn mower off!"
My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.
My grandfather said we rely on technology too much, so I unplugged his life support. Luckily, I remember his last words: "You little bastard!"
When you go to an orphanage for a field trip: When the workers said, "I remember you as a kid."
What does a cow say when he remembers something?
"I have deja moo!"
I still remember the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket. He said, “Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
An orphan walks into a supermarket, gets lost and calls for his mum, then remembers.
I remember when I was a kid, I thought the world used to be colorless.
I was kinda right. They used to not let colors in a lot of areas.
What's the difference between you and Jesus? Your parents remember Jesus's birth date.
My friend was on a wheelchair... he committed suicide yesterday. I remember when I met him last time, he told us a good joke and I appreciated him and told him to become a stand-up comedian.
Son: Dad, do you remember your first blowjob?
Dad: Ohhh yeah, I do!
Son: How did it taste?
Dad: Get out.
My friend died from an allergic reaction. He gave me an EpiPen while he was dying, so now I have something to remember him from.
Don't worry if you think your life sucks. Just remember that people are arguing over the gender of a potato head.
