Religion jokes
Here’s my hand, please hold it. That way I can say I was touched by an angel.
Why is the elephant headed God the true God?
Because he doesn't exist!
God created everyone unique till he got to Asia, then it just went to copy paste, copy paste.
A bus full of nuns die in a car crash and end up at the pearly gates where Saint Peter greets them, "Hello sisters, welcome to heaven. Before you enter, I must ask you all a question." He asks the first nun, "Have you ever touched a penis?" Well, she said, "Just once, with the tip of my little finger." "Ok, dip it in the holy water and you can enter." He repeats the question to the second nun. Well, she says, "I might of held one once." "Ok," says St. Peter, "wash your hands in the holy water and you can enter." Just then, there's a commotion down the line. One nun is trying to push in front of another. St. Peter says, "Sister Susan, there is no rush, you will get in." "That's fine," she replies, "but if I have to gargle that stuff, I want to get in before Sister Mary sticks her arse in it."
You've probably heard this one before, but screw it.
What's the difference between Jesus Christ and the kid I just killed?
Jesus Christ probably died a virgin.
A plane is going to crash. There are four passengers and only three parachutes. All the staff are safe and are gone, leaving the passengers. Ryan Reynolds is the first. He says, "My fans need me," and jumps. Donald Trump takes another and says, "I am the smartest president," and jumps, leaving one. There is a pope and a boy left. The pope says, "Child, my life is over and yours has just begun, take the last parachute." The boy replies, "Don't worry - Donald took my backpack."
What do a priest and Life have in common?
They both get harder when kids are around.
I love Muslims, they are great at parties!
They have the best fireworks.
What's the difference between acne and a priest?
Acne waits until you're a teen to cum on your face.
If I teach man he is the fish I caught, will I no longer be a fisher of men?
"And the Lord said unto John, 'Come forth and receive eternal life,' but John came fifth and got a toaster."
How does Jesus whistle? Through the hole in his hand.
Did Jesus die virgin? Nope, he got nailed before he died.
I'm still wondering who took Jesus' sandals.
Even the one who ate that dove that sat at Jesus' shoulder. 🤔
Why don't you see black people with Down syndrome?
Because God doesn't punish someone twice.
What does a Catholic Priest and a commercial from the 80s have in common? They both ask people, "Where's the meat?"
When will delusional Christians grow up and realize their fairy tales aren't based in reality?
A rapist, pedophile, and a priest walk into a bar. He orders a beer.
Same person.
Miss Kadie, I heard that the Westboro Baptist Church is having a party for kicking out 99999 gay people.
Pastor: Welcome to the gay matters church.
Miss Kadie: Stop that, you know that God hates gay people.
Me: Stop that, vegan teacher.
Pastor: You deserve to die.
- I attack
How is a priest like a wristwatch?
They both start at 12.