Religion jokes

A bus full of nuns falls off a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them, “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question.”

St. Peter turns to the first nun in the line and asks her, “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” The Sister responds, “Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger...” St. Peter says, “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” and she did so.

St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says, “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” “Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment...” “Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” and she does so.

Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun, “Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!” Sister Susan responds, “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!”

Two priests are driving down a road when they are pulled over by the cops.

The cop shines a light in their faces and signals to the driver to roll down his window.

"We're searching for two child molesters," he says.

The driver leans over to the other priest, and they whisper between themselves.

Finally, he turns back to the policeman. "Ok. We'll do it."

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Why did the pope drink horse piss? Because a priest asked him what would he do for a Klondike bar? 🤪 😜

Why is Stephen Hawking going to hell, not heaven? Because it's a stairway to heaven, not a ramp.

God sent gays to fix overpopulation. Until they ended same-sex marriage.

It's important to wash your sex toys.

That's why priests invented baptism.

What does a Catholic Priest and a commercial from the 80s have in common? They both ask people, "Where's the meat?"

What do an Olympic silver medalist and a Catholic priest have in common?

A: They both come in a little behind.

Who killed Hitler goes to Heaven.

*looks up*

Oh, never mind.

If you throw a nun, is it called a... Nunchuck???

Why do orphans go to church so much?

So they can have someone to call father.

A plane is going to crash. There are four passengers and only three parachutes. All the staff are safe and are gone, leaving the passengers. Ryan Reynolds is the first. He says, "My fans need me," and jumps. Donald Trump takes another and says, "I am the smartest president," and jumps, leaving one. There is a pope and a boy left. The pope says, "Child, my life is over and yours has just begun, take the last parachute." The boy replies, "Don't worry - Donald took my backpack."

I apologise for this joke lmfaooo, and you have probably heard this banger before, anyways;

What is the difference between a priest and a zit? 👀 The zit waits till you are 13 to come on your face 🤧

What does Jesus have in common with Pinocchio?

They believe their own lies.

How does a priest purify water?

Boil the hell out of it!

Three nuns are having a charity in front of the church.

A man in a trench coat walks up and flashes the three nuns. The first nun had a stroke, the second nun had a stroke, but the third nun, her arm was too short.

Not all roses are red; Not all violets are blue; If you're reading this, God loves you.

Satan and the devil are alter egos.

They say we will have eternal life when Jesus is no longer coming.

So the man asks me, "Jesus, how do you want your steak?"

So I said, "Well done, my good faithful servant, well done."