Religion jokes
A priest says to me, "Come up, my child." Then I said, "Do I know you? Because you're not my father."
How do you know you've found a priest? When little Timmy is glued to his crotch.
A child, molester, and priest walk into a bar.
He orders a drink.
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? A roamin' Catholic.
How do you trick a homophobic heterosexual male that is a Roman Catholic priest into using the glory hole inside the men's restroom at a gay bar?
Tell him that it is a confessional booth.
How is a priest like a wristwatch?
They both start at 12.
What do you call a nun on a wheelchair?
Virgin Mobile.
Me yelling every gay slur to get suspended.
I’m in catholic school.
I used to believe everything in the Bible until I read about the Jew giving out the free fish.
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
You get on an elevator and you find the Pope and Donald Trump cowering from two snarling wolves. In your hand you find a revolver with only two bullets in it... what do you do?
You shoot the Pope and the Donald each in a leg and exit the elevator at the next stop.
Why doesn’t Jesus trust humanity anymore?
Because he doesn’t wanna get double-crossed.
There are Three Sons: Journey, Korean, and Little Joe. They were trapped on a floating island, and a priest gave them each one wish.
The first son wished to go back to the ground. The Second Son wished to go back to the ground. The third son was lonely and wished for his two brothers to come back to the floating island.
A bus full of nuns falls off a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them, “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question.”
St. Peter turns to the first nun in the line and asks her, “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” The Sister responds, “Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger...” St. Peter says, “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” and she did so.
St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says, “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” “Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment...” “Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” and she does so.
Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun, “Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!” Sister Susan responds, “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!”
Two priests are driving down a road when they are pulled over by the cops.
The cop shines a light in their faces and signals to the driver to roll down his window.
"We're searching for two child molesters," he says.
The driver leans over to the other priest, and they whisper between themselves.
Finally, he turns back to the policeman. "Ok. We'll do it."
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Why did the pope drink horse piss? Because a priest asked him what would he do for a Klondike bar? 🤪 😜
Why is Stephen Hawking going to hell, not heaven? Because it's a stairway to heaven, not a ramp.
God sent gays to fix overpopulation. Until they ended same-sex marriage.
It's important to wash your sex toys.
That's why priests invented baptism.
What do an Olympic silver medalist and a Catholic priest have in common?
A: They both come in a little behind.