Religion jokes
The pastor sees little Johnny sitting on the church steps. Little Johnny is fixated on something. The pastor looks closer and sees that Johnny is stirring up something in an old coffee can. He says, "What you got there little Johnny?"
"This here is turpentine, the most POWERFUL liquid in the world!", says Johnny.
The pastor shakes his head, sits down next to Johnny, and says, "Now you know that's not true, son. Holy water is the most powerful liquid in the world. One drop of holy water on a pregnant woman's stomach and the next morning she'll pass a baby boy."
Little Johnny says, "Well that may be true, but one drop of this on a cat's ass and he'll pass a motorcycle!"
What was Jesus's favorite food?
Answer: Snails
Why don't Amish people water ski?
Because their horses would drown.
Why did God make the devils die?
God is great!
Why does an orphan go to church?
So they can call someone "father."
What do you call a space Muslim?
A Tusken Raider.
Pope Francis: "What is the hardest thing about nailing a young boy to a cross?"
"My penis."
Miss Kadie, I heard that the Westboro Baptist Church is having a party for kicking out 99999 gay people.
Pastor: Welcome to the gay matters church.
Miss Kadie: Stop that, you know that God hates gay people.
Me: Stop that, vegan teacher.
Pastor: You deserve to die.
- I attack
A 23 year old priest walks into a high school with an automatic weapon. He tells those who believe in God to stand up and leave.
To the children who don't leave, he says, "Do not worry my children, I shall make thou 'hole-y' as well."
He then proceeds to shoot all of the students left.
Why is that kid walking like that? Oh, he's an alter boy.
Two priests are in a bar. One says to the other priest, "I'll swap you two fives for a ten."
If God didn’t mean for us to have sex with 11-year-old girls, why did he make them so sexy and so much physically weaker?
Me: (Jaiden) Why are you crying? Do you know where your parents are?
Orphan: *Sobs* "No."
God, I love working at an orphanage!
Why don't churches have WiFi?
They can't compete with an invisible force that actually works.
What do orphans go to church for?
So they can call someone "father."
What is the difference between Benjah and Jesus?
Jesus walks on the water; Benjah wades through the water.
A man runs into a church and shouts, "Are there any dwarf nuns in the monastery?" The Pope said no, causing the man to say to his friend, "I told you you fucked a penguin!"
Why is Stephen Hawking going to hell, not heaven? Because it's a stairway to heaven, not a ramp.
Why is the Catholic church in favor of condoms now?
It's now getting harder to hide DNA evidence.
What do you call a Mexican fighting a Catholic priest?
Alien vs. Predator.