Religion jokes

What did God say when he made Jake Paul?

"Oops, I made a mistake."

How do you get a nun pregnant?

You dress her up as an altar boy.

Angel: Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?

Satan: Could you like FUCK OFF FOR ONE MINUTE?

How do men like their women? Striped.

How does a priest like their children? Clean.

Why are most orphans strippers? They want to call someone mommy or daddy.

What is the difference between a stripper and candy? None. But they like it when you take the wrapper off.

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an altar boy.

When you get a pop-up book of the Qur'an and it just explodes as soon as you turn the page XD.

I don't know if this is a joke or a question, but:

If killing yourself sends you to hell, where does sitting in the waiting room get you?

Guy: Why can't Jesus have M&M's?

Priest: Why?

Guy: Because they'll fall through the hole in his hands.

Why does Santa not have any children?

He only cums once a year.

How do we know Stephen is dying in hell?

There’s a stairway to heaven.

I moved all the Bibles to the fiction section because there is no God, as said Stephen Hawking in 2011, but in 2018, God said there was no Stephen Hawking.

One day, little Johnny and little Susan were in bible class. Little Susan had been tired that day, so she kept falling asleep. The teacher said to little Susan, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" Little Johnny poked her in the butt with a push pin, and she yelled, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher goes, "That's right, go back to bed." Then, the next thing the teacher asked was, "Who gave up their son for our sins?" Little Johnny poked her again, and she yelled, "God Almighty!" The teacher says, "That's right, go back to bed." The next question the teacher asked was, "What did Adam say to Eve after their 13th child?" Little Johnny poked her in the butt again. She yelled, "If you stick that thing in me again, I am going to break it in half and shove it up your own ass and see how you like it!"

Hey guys! Want to know something cool? Google Jesus' language. It's Aramaic.

Next, google "God in Aramaic". See the results for yourself. <3

What's better: nailing Jesus or getting nailed?

Depends on who's sucking.

What's the difference between a peanut and a priest?

With a peanut, you have to break the shell open for the nut to come out.

God died for your sins, so basically if you don't sin then Jesus died for nothing.

Muslim child to his mother: "Mom, why is my backpack so heavy?"

Mom: "Allahu Akbar, my son, Allahu Akbar!"

I would like to die like my Islamic father, in his sleep, but not like the rest of the people in the plane or those in those identical towers.

What do 3-year-old boys say after going to confession?

"My bum hurts!"

What’s the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of him?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.