Religion jokes

I would like to die like my Islamic father, in his sleep, but not like the rest of the people in the plane or those in those identical towers.

What's the difference between a peanut and a priest?

With a peanut, you have to break the shell open for the nut to come out.

God died for your sins, so basically if you don't sin then Jesus died for nothing.

What's better: nailing Jesus or getting nailed?

Depends on who's sucking.

What do 3-year-old boys say after going to confession?

"My bum hurts!"

What’s the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of him?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

I think God is cool with abortion.

After all, he did kill his only son.

What do a priest and a pedo have in common?

Nothing, they both like kids.

Hey guys! Want to know something cool? Google Jesus' language. It's Aramaic.

Next, google "God in Aramaic". See the results for yourself. <3

Do you need an ark?

Because I Noah guy!

Q: What do the St. Louis Rams and Billy Graham have in common?

A: They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell, “Jesus Christ.”

What does the Bible stand for?

Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.

A man was kneeling on the church floor, crying desperately in front of the large wooden statue of Christ.

"My headphones are broken, Lord... I'm desperate... What should I do? Guide me!"

And the Lord appeared in the form of bright light, and the strong, deep voice filled the man's soul.

"WELL BUY NEW ONES, YOU DUMBASS!"

And so he did.

A bus full of nuns die in a car crash and end up at the pearly gates where Saint Peter greets them, "Hello sisters, welcome to heaven. Before you enter, I must ask you all a question." He asks the first nun, "Have you ever touched a penis?" Well, she said, "Just once, with the tip of my little finger." "Ok, dip it in the holy water and you can enter." He repeats the question to the second nun. Well, she says, "I might of held one once." "Ok," says St. Peter, "wash your hands in the holy water and you can enter." Just then, there's a commotion down the line. One nun is trying to push in front of another. St. Peter says, "Sister Susan, there is no rush, you will get in." "That's fine," she replies, "but if I have to gargle that stuff, I want to get in before Sister Mary sticks her arse in it."

Did Jesus cut his nails?

No! His nails cut through him.

Why did the Muslim man cross the road? To violently rape an eight-year-old girl, then indoctrinate her with Islamic scripture, and train her as a suicide bomber.

Why does a penis taste like octopus 🐙?

Stupid question 😒 🙄 even the catholic church ⛪ 🙏 knows that one.

How does Jesus whistle? Through the hole in his hand.

A guy walks into a mosque... then blows up.

Adam and Eve are going through the garden when Adam suddenly says, "What race are we?"

Eve responds with, "Ask God, he will tell you." So Adam goes over to a hill and asks, "God, what race are we?"

God says, "You are what you are."

Adam goes back to Eve and says, "We are white." Eve asks how he knew that. Adam responds with, "If we were black, he would have said 'you is what you is'."