Religion jokes
After arriving home from helping the priest, a young altar boy approaches his parents, "Mommy, Daddy, my poop is white!"
The mother rushes the boy to the hospital, while the father rushes to church in a rage and proceeds to beat the living hell out of the priest. Afterwards, the father heads to the hospital and meets his wife in the waiting room; she's surprisingly calm.
"How can you be so relaxed after what that bastard has been doing to our son?" he exclaims.
The wife looks up at him, "What are you talking about? It's just a liver infection!"
Boy: *scares girl*
Girl: "Gosh, you scared me, Jesus!"
Jesus: *Arrives out of nowhere and said, "What is it, human? I got work to do."*
Girl: What work?
Jesus: "Coming out of nowhere when people say 'Jesus.'"
I live in a world made of cheese. Someone stubbed their toe and screamed, "Cheese-its, Christ!"
Why do Black people go to church so much?
Because the priest is the only father they know.
Have you heard of the new sequel to "The Exorcist"?
A woman hires the devil to get a priest out of her son.
A woman prayed to be a mother everyday for many years until she crossed a road without looking and got hit by a woman driver and died.
When she met God, she asked Him, "How come you didn't answer my prayers?"
God replied, "I did. I kept sending men to rape you, but you kept on choosing to destroy my creations by having an abortion."
What is the difference between a nun and a hooker?
One makes you believe in Heaven, the other makes you feel it.
If sex before marriage is a sin, is sex after marriage cos or tan?
A young boy is stood on the top of a cliff crying. A priest approaches and says, "Why are you crying my son?" "My parents just crashed the car off the cliff and died." "It's just not your day today is it?" Said the priest, unbuttoning his flies.
What's the difference between the righteous and a sinner?
You decide.
I thank God that I'm not as ugly as you.
What does B.I.B.L.E stand for?
Bullshit In Book Lacking Evidence.
Religion
Why is sucking cock inside the confessional booth the only thing that a catholic priest doesn't have to give up for lent?
Because catholic priests don't have to be vegetarians during lent.
A priest and Rabbi run out of the orphanage.
Priest: "How the hell did that fire start?"
Rabbi: "I don't know, but what about the children?"
Priest: "Fuck the children."
Rabbi: "Do we have time?"
Priest: "There's always time for something like that."
Yo mama so old, she was a waitress at the last supper.
I bought my fat wheelchair son a treadmill for his birthday, then that big brainless special motherfucker cried over it and threw a fit cuz his fat special ass couldn't get up out of his wheelchair and said for Jesus to raise him up and give him working and movable legs.
I pray to a dead human I hope to be reunited with.
Jesus, that's sick.
When Ariana Grande walked into the church, she said, "GOD IS A WOMAN!"
Why did the priest want to learn how to play the organ?
He wanted to be able to finger A minor.