Religion jokes

When God created women, it was an accident. He meant to make a man, but then "WHOA-MAN!!"

Do you know you’re supposed to wash your sex toys after you use them?

I guess that’s why Catholics invented baptism.

One day a man dies and goes to heaven. He gets there and sees a bunch of clocks. He asks Jesus, "Hey, what are the clocks for?" Jesus replies, "They move every time you sin." "This is Mother Teresa's, it has not moved so she has not sinned." "This one is Abraham Lincoln's, it has moved twice so he sinned twice." The man asks, "Where is Joe Biden's?" Jesus replies, "It's in my office-- I'm using it as a ceiling fan."

A man died and went to heaven. Here he met Jesus. There were two clocks. The man asked, "What's with the clocks?" Jesus answered, "This is Mother Theresa's clock. She has not lied, so the clock hasn't moved. This is Abraham Lincoln's clock; he's only lied twice, so it's moved twice." "Where's Donald Trump's?" the man asked. Jesus replied: "It's in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan."

Three guys are walking in a bar. A priest, a paedophile, and a rapist. That was just the first guy.

A boy and girl in high school started dating for a while and things were going so well that the girl decided to invite the boy on a weekend trip. She said, "I want you to come spend the weekend at our lakehouse and meet my parents. While we're there, I'd also like to take our relationship to the next level." "I'm there," the boy replied.

The boy was so excited that he ran straight to the pharmacy to pick up some protection. He walked up to the pharmacist and told him about his weekend to come and said he needed some condoms. The pharmacist asked, "Do you want the 3 pack, 6 pack, or family sized 24 pack?" The boy replied, "I plan on getting busy all weekend. I'm not gonna stop pounding her till I'm black and blue. Give me the family pack." "Sure thing," said the pharmacist.

That weekend the boy went to the lakehouse and the whole family was sitting down at the dinner table to pray. The girl's father asked the boy to say grace. The boy prayed and prayed. Almost ten minutes went by. Finally, the girl leaned over to the boy and said, "You never told me that you were so religious." The boy replied, "You never told me that your dad was a pharmacist."

What kind of sex do priests love?.

Nun.

What do dairy products praise? Cheeseus.

You know every time we think of sex, an angel dies.

We ran out of dead people hundreds of years ago.

Did you hear about the gay choirboy?

He choked on his first hymn.

Knock, knock!

Who's there?

Heaven.

Heaven who?

Heaven fun over there?

What's your religion?

You know it's so hard to clean my sex toys.

Thank you, Jesus, for creating holy water!

What would you throw between a priest and a nun? A bottle of whiskey.

My current love life is like a god. It’s not real.

Why is Jesus in pieces?

Because a one man band is Nine Inch Nails.

I bought myself the life-sized Jesus painting off of Amazon, and they had 4 nails within the pack. All I needed was 1.

I thought God didn't make mistakes, but then I saw your face.

Ctrl, Alt, Deletus, because of thine fetus.

How does a disabled man go to church? He can't, there's no ramp.