Religion jokes

Do you know you’re supposed to wash your sex toys after you use them?

I guess that’s why Catholics invented baptism.

One day a man dies and goes to heaven. He gets there and sees a bunch of clocks. He asks Jesus, "Hey, what are the clocks for?" Jesus replies, "They move every time you sin." "This is Mother Teresa's, it has not moved so she has not sinned." "This one is Abraham Lincoln's, it has moved twice so he sinned twice." The man asks, "Where is Joe Biden's?" Jesus replies, "It's in my office-- I'm using it as a ceiling fan."

A man died and went to heaven. Here he met Jesus. There were two clocks. The man asked, "What's with the clocks?" Jesus answered, "This is Mother Theresa's clock. She has not lied, so the clock hasn't moved. This is Abraham Lincoln's clock; he's only lied twice, so it's moved twice." "Where's Donald Trump's?" the man asked. Jesus replied: "It's in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan."

Three guys are walking in a bar. A priest, a paedophile, and a rapist. That was just the first guy.

Why don't you see black people with Down syndrome?

Because God doesn't punish someone twice.

What kind of sex do priests love?.

Nun.

What do dairy products praise? Cheeseus.

You know every time we think of sex, an angel dies.

We ran out of dead people hundreds of years ago.

A boy and girl in high school started dating for a while and things were going so well that the girl decided to invite the boy on a weekend trip. She said, "I want you to come spend the weekend at our lakehouse and meet my parents. While we're there, I'd also like to take our relationship to the next level." "I'm there," the boy replied.

The boy was so excited that he ran straight to the pharmacy to pick up some protection. He walked up to the pharmacist and told him about his weekend to come and said he needed some condoms. The pharmacist asked, "Do you want the 3 pack, 6 pack, or family sized 24 pack?" The boy replied, "I plan on getting busy all weekend. I'm not gonna stop pounding her till I'm black and blue. Give me the family pack." "Sure thing," said the pharmacist.

That weekend the boy went to the lakehouse and the whole family was sitting down at the dinner table to pray. The girl's father asked the boy to say grace. The boy prayed and prayed. Almost ten minutes went by. Finally, the girl leaned over to the boy and said, "You never told me that you were so religious." The boy replied, "You never told me that your dad was a pharmacist."

Knock, knock!

Who's there?

Heaven.

Heaven who?

Heaven fun over there?

Did you hear about the gay choirboy?

He choked on his first hymn.

When the priest said, "Be gone from this boy, demon!" the demon replied, "And you get out of the boy!"

What would you throw between a priest and a nun? A bottle of whiskey.

You know it's so hard to clean my sex toys.

Thank you, Jesus, for creating holy water!

Do you want to know what gifts God gave me?

He didn't give me any.

I was made by the Devil.

Why that Nun didn't like Virgin Mary?

Because she was straight into Jesus.

I have a huge thought: if Satan punishes people who are bad, doesn't that make him good?

What's the difference between God and Ron DeSantis?

God does not think he is Ron DeSantis.

How do you know you've found a priest? When little Timmy is glued to his crotch.

What is an Italian massage?

An Italian Catholic priest giving a blowjob inside the confessional booth during Lent.