Religion Jokes

Why can't Jesus judge gay people?

He got nailed right before he died.

Why did God build a stairway to heaven?

So all the disabled people will have to go to hell.

What's the difference between a penis and the bible? Nothing, the priest shoved them both down my throat.

What movie do atheists watch for Christmas?

"Coincidence on 34th Street."

What's black and white and hard as nails? A nun on speed!

pinkie pie vs jesus who y’all betting on

A photo shows two individuals in costume facing each other, ready to fight. One is dressed as Pinkie Pie from "My Little Pony", and the other is dressed as Jesus, with a white robe and brown hair. They are in a hallway with other people in the background.

What do you get when you put 2 nuns and a blond on a football field? 2 tight ends and a wide receiver.

I'm treated like God when I'm home, I'm usually ignored until someone wants something.

What's a priest's favorite toy?

A mute little boy.

What’s the difference between a priest and target?

Nothing, they both have children’s pants half off.

What’s the difference between a priest and acne? At least acne waits til the boy is 12 to come on his face.

Have you heard of the new sequel to "The Exorcist"?

A woman hires the devil to get a priest out of her son.

God: Who ever kills Hitler will go to heaven.

Hitler: 👌👌👌👌

God: 😩😩😩😩

Do you know you’re supposed to wash your sex toys after you use them?

I guess that’s why Catholics invented baptism.

When God created women, it was an accident. He meant to make a man, but then "WHOA-MAN!!"

And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.”

But John came fifth, and he got a toaster.

One day a man dies and goes to heaven. He gets there and sees a bunch of clocks. He asks Jesus, "Hey, what are the clocks for?" Jesus replies, "They move every time you sin." "This is Mother Teresa's, it has not moved so she has not sinned." "This one is Abraham Lincoln's, it has moved twice so he sinned twice." The man asks, "Where is Joe Biden's?" Jesus replies, "It's in my office-- I'm using it as a ceiling fan."

A man died and went to heaven. Here he met Jesus. There were two clocks. The man asked, "What's with the clocks?" Jesus answered, "This is Mother Theresa's clock. She has not lied, so the clock hasn't moved. This is Abraham Lincoln's clock; he's only lied twice, so it's moved twice." "Where's Donald Trump's?" the man asked. Jesus replied: "It's in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan."