Relationship jokes

"Disease" technically means "lack of ease," so if a girl is hard to get, call her a disease.

That's what Elliot Rodger did.

My wife and I just decided we don't want to have children.

So if anyone wants them, our contact information is below.

Q: What’s worse than fingerbanging your sister?

A: Finding your dad's wedding ring.

A hot woman is ready to jump from a bridge and commit suicide when an ugly, stinky homeless man comes up to her and tells her, "Oh baby, you so hot, let's fuck!"

She just yells, "Get the fuck away, you creep!"

He just laughs and says, "Alright, I'll wait down there."

My BFF asked me: "You know why it took Carlos 3 days to move on?"

I said: "Why?"

My BFF says: "Well, it's because he was already cheating!"

I said: "KNEW IT!"

I asked my mom why dad was so pale and sick. She said, "Shut the fuck up and keep digging!"

Why can’t orphans be gay?

Because they have no one to call daddy.

My grandma was telling me to be positive, as I was going in for an AIDS test.

What do you call a picture of an orphan?

A family portrait.

I watch my parents sleep with a knife in my hands. Only got caught once.

I’m taken, taken my own life, bitch!

Why do sisters have to be in a relationship? Because you don’t have to worry about your car.

Imagine someone leaving a cut-out of Jeff Bezos on your car after you found out your blind bf cheated on you, and the McDonald's employee says over the speaker, "Weren't expecting him to see other hoes were you?"

Husband: Hey honey, words can’t describe how beautiful you are.

Wife: Aww, thanks.

Husband: But numbers can. 0 out of 10.

My sister says I’m annoying, or that’s what I read in her diary.

I saw an orphan fall in the street crying, so I ran up to him and said, "Are you okay? Where are your parents?"

Wow, Gwen even said she loves TJ! She just did!

Prince, look at it. You are going to be crushed. It is in bored jokes and it has 65 comments, look there!

Why do sisters hate you?

Because you're their favorite stepbrother :P

Are you Paris, 'cause Eiffel for you.

My ex is like AIDS! I can't get rid of him.