Relationship jokes

Oh, sweetheart, you brighten me.

What do you call an orphan at the dinner table?

Family dinner!

My BFF asked me: "You know why it took Carlos 3 days to move on?"

I said: "Why?"

My BFF says: "Well, it's because he was already cheating!"

I said: "KNEW IT!"

Dad/Mom: Son, you're adopted.

Son: I know. *holds up daddy's phone that has the text of them talking about it.*

Dad: Babe, we need to talk.

Mom: Okay......

Dad: He's grounded.

Mom: You're right, you're grounded! Oh, and I'm dumping you.

Son: Am I getting a new daddy?

Mom: Soon honey, soon....

Dad: I really shouldn't have let her know I cheating.

What did the baseball ⚾️ say to the bat?

“We should touch base.”

Some dude called me a tool.

So later I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend.

Guess he was right :/

Last Christmas was awesome, the whole family came.

Dear doctor,

I've heard it's a good sign when women scream your first name during sex, but recently women have been screaming my full name. It's weird, I feel like I'm famous. Can you tell me what this means?

Yours Truly, Ray Palp

Why did the chicken cross the road?

IDK! WHY?

To go see yo mama!

Life is like a penis.

Women make it hard.

People call my blind friend dumb sometimes.

She can't see the obvious.

My friend and I got into a fight. I looked straight forward and said, "Look me in my eyes!"

Mom: I was an orphan once. The kid: Oh, ok, idgaf. Mom: And you're gonna be too! :) The kid: Ok, idgaf- WAIT WHAT THE FU-

What's the most embarrassing thing about locking your keys in the car outside a pregnancy care center?

Having to go inside and ask for a coat hanger.

Are you happy to see me, or is that a bomb strapped to your chest and a detonator in your hand?

Where was your mom last night? In the man club?

Why did the pillow cross the road?

Because his cousin's name was Koshin, and he didn't want to live anymore.

If sex before marriage is a sin, is sex after marriage cos or tan?

I saw a kid crying, sitting on the sidewalk, and I asked him where his parents were. He then cried even more. God, I love working at the orphanage.

I just want to say this...

You have NO maidens, (Explosion) No homies, (ExPlOsIoN) And no—please don’t say it! Rizz 😎 (EXPLOSION)