Relationship jokes

Your sister: You're so ugly.

Me: But we look the same, so who's also ugly?

Girlfriend: "Would you still love me if I was a figment of your imagination?"

My schizophrenic ass: Of course I would.

It's like your hairline and your forehead had a disagreement.

What do you call a person with a flip flop?

My dad.

What’s the worst joke ever? Your parents’ relationship.

Why is it that skinny men like fat women?

Because they need warmth in winter, and shade in summer.

I broke up with my girlfriend because she wouldn't stand for the pledge. She was in a wheelchair.

Are you mixed? Cuz you're half fine, half mine 😏

Did you hear about the woman who put her husband’s ashes in a burrito?

He gets to tear that ass up one more time.

I went to the dump truck today, and my wife said, "Thanks for visiting."

My wife and I have decided that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

What’s the best thing about making out with dead girls?

They can’t say no.

I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”

How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her?

She found another woman’s lipstick on his knuckles.

What did Chris Brown say the first time he saw Rihanna?

I’d hit that.

Are you a haunted house? Because I’m going to scream when I’m in you! 😫

Are you a blanket? Because I love it when you’re on top of me.

I hope you remembered my name since you’ll be screaming it later.

I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X.

My sister said to roast her, but my mom said I'm not allowed to burn trash.