Relationship jokes

Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

I was playing laser tag with my ex, but I (wink) didn't realize I had a real gun.

Yo mama is such a slut, she could get slapped by a pack of hot dogs and get pregnant.

I like my coffee like my women.

Amateur.

In what city do you always lose your mum? Mumbai.

My wife told me to contact more of my feminine side.

I crashed the car and fucked my trainer.

It only takes 4 inches to please a woman.

And it doesn’t matter if it’s credit or debit.

Did you hear about the woman who put her husband’s ashes in a burrito?

He gets to tear that ass up one more time.

My sister said to roast her, but my mom said I'm not allowed to burn trash.

How do you tell whether you’ve satisfied a redhead?

She unlocks the handcuffs.

What’s the difference between my ex and a unicycle?

A unicycle can only take one person at a time.

Michael Jackson, who's terrified of adult women, once had a girlfriend, but broke it off with her. When she asked him why, he said, "It's not you, it's me-hee-hee."

Q: What was the last thing Kurt Cobain said to Courtney Love before he died?

A: “Holes gonna be big.”

I actually want peace, not war.

That's what I always try reminding my girlfriend before beating her up.

There are a lot of upsides to being an orphan.

For one, you never have to worry about your jokes being family friendly.

Little Johnny goes to his mum and asks, "Mummy, what's rape?"

Little Johnny's mum answers, "The way you got here."

I went to the dump truck today, and my wife said, "Thanks for visiting."

I like my girlfriend's new secondary school uniform, I guess, but doesn’t beat her old primary school one. 😀

A husband came back from a business trip and found out that his wife was pregnant. At first, he got a bit suspicious, but then he just ignored it and hugged his wife with happiness. The second when he met his friend and told him the news, the friend just said, "Wait, what? I thought she was on pills!"

Son: Dad, I have black skin and you have white skin, are you sure you're my parents?

Dad: Oh... well I never thought it would come to this, or to your head that you were kidnapped...

Son: Am I kidnapped?

Dad: Well, you're adopted, and if you want to see your biological parents, they’ll be waiting for you in heaven.