Relationship jokes

My wife and I have reached the decision that we do not want children.

If anyone does, please comment your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

I like my women like I like my diving pools.

Wet and deep.

I like playing with Yoyos, because at least they always come back.

Grandma: Most people your age have a family and are married. Why aren’t you?

Grandchild: Most your age are dead. Why aren’t you?

The only thing drier than these jokes is your mom.

My girlfriend called me a cocksucker, but hey, 20 dollars is 20 dollars.

I asked my friend what the best gay joke is, and she said "You."

Husband: “Honey, what’s the difference between a Ferrari and an erection?”

Wife: “ok... what is it?”

Husband: “I don’t have a Ferrari right now.”

Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

I was playing laser tag with my ex, but I (wink) didn't realize I had a real gun.

Yo mama is such a slut, she could get slapped by a pack of hot dogs and get pregnant.

I like my coffee like my women.

Amateur.

In what city do you always lose your mum? Mumbai.

My wife told me to contact more of my feminine side.

I crashed the car and fucked my trainer.

It only takes 4 inches to please a woman.

And it doesn’t matter if it’s credit or debit.

Did you hear about the woman who put her husband’s ashes in a burrito?

He gets to tear that ass up one more time.

My sister said to roast her, but my mom said I'm not allowed to burn trash.

How do you tell whether you’ve satisfied a redhead?

She unlocks the handcuffs.

What’s the difference between my ex and a unicycle?

A unicycle can only take one person at a time.

Little Johnny goes to his mum and asks, "Mummy, what's rape?"

Little Johnny's mum answers, "The way you got here."