Relationship jokes

My late grandpa was always popular with women. One day, before he died, I asked him what his secret was. He said, "I inherited a watering hole."

Bewildered, I replied, "What does that have to do with anything?"

"I could easily get anyone wet because I was well endowed."

Hey, are you suicide? 'Cause I dream of you every day! <3

My wife told me to treat her like a princess, so I got drunk and drove through the tunnel.

Blondes like their men how they like their rice: brown, 500 at a time, and all in her bowl.

My current love life is like a god. It’s not real.

What does a mother fear most?

Hearing "YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!" for 5 different men.

What's the difference between a nuclear reactor and your step sis? You need to use protection for the nuclear reactor.

Nearly 40% of the world have been in a relationship; the 60% are worstjokesever.com users.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I have 10 fingers, the middle ones are for you.

Mommy, when will daddy come back?

I'm not your mom...

"Disease" technically means "lack of ease," so if a girl is hard to get, call her a disease.

That's what Elliot Rodger did.

My wife and I just decided we don't want to have children.

So if anyone wants them, our contact information is below.

Q: What’s worse than fingerbanging your sister?

A: Finding your dad's wedding ring.

A hot woman is ready to jump from a bridge and commit suicide when an ugly, stinky homeless man comes up to her and tells her, "Oh baby, you so hot, let's fuck!"

She just yells, "Get the fuck away, you creep!"

He just laughs and says, "Alright, I'll wait down there."

My BFF asked me: "You know why it took Carlos 3 days to move on?"

I said: "Why?"

My BFF says: "Well, it's because he was already cheating!"

I said: "KNEW IT!"

I asked my mom why dad was so pale and sick. She said, "Shut the fuck up and keep digging!"

Q: What was the last thing Kurt Cobain said to Courtney Love before he died?

A: “Holes gonna be big.”

Why can’t orphans be gay?

Because they have no one to call daddy.

My grandma was telling me to be positive, as I was going in for an AIDS test.

What do you call a picture of an orphan?

A family portrait.